Having a child can be a most joyous occasion for mom, dad and all immediate family members. I admit that there is something about being the creator of life and adding an additional mark to this place we all live in. I can actually say, “Yes. That person belongs to me. I made him/her”. LOL!! It has a ring to it; but believe me when I say that everything sweet comes with some type of price. We don’t necessarily have to calculate all of the expenses because, honestly, there isn’t enough room on the face of a calculator to calculate that complete total. However, I will let you know 5 things you should know before having kids.

Pregnancy

For some reason, this is where everyone thinks the magic is happening, lol. Pregnancy can turn out to be a beautiful thing, BUT that is only at or around the 2nd trimester, when your baby bump starts filling out and your body is in the perfect pregnant proportion. Everyone wants to rub the Buddha belly and compliment “the glow”. Ladies, this only lasts for a second. Then it’s on to obesity, where everyone tells you how big you have gotten and how you look like you are due… yesterday. If you like, you can add on severe flatulance, pregnancy induced asthma and an organism (the baby) that is stealing every little thing that you eat. You can’t be stingy with this one, you have no choice but to play fair. Let’s also mark on your calendar when your feet will begin to look like those cartoon character bedroom slippers for the remainder of your nine months, when your face will look like the big marshmallow guy from Ghostbusters, and cocoa butter DOES NOT work for stretch marks, lol.

Birthing

Labor and delivery? There is so much excitement happening at one time. You are anxious to see this person, who has been kicking at your insides for the past 5 or 6 months. You just want to give him/her a name and take them home to play dress up, like the little girl who just left the toy store with her brand new Baby Alive. Not even TLC’s, The Baby Story has clearly displayed what REALLY takes place in the maternity ward. Talk about being in an uncomfortable position!! Laying in a bed, flat on your back, half naked with your feet in stirrups, as if you’ve found a new discovery on how to take an ultimate dump, has got to be the most unflattering (which can also possibly happen at any given moment during childbirth, eewww). Not to mention the faces being made from the strenuous motions of pushing, only because everyone keeps yelling it at you. LOL!! I’ll vote for a C-section any day, however, the aftermath of that is a little crucial. Either way, there’s a catch-22. To subside all pains, fears and worriations just take all the medications they offer you. In this case, it is ok to “say yes to drugs”. After that, we can move past all the blood and guts slaying afterbirth, and beautifully move toward celebrating a happy, happy birthday, as well as a joyful Mother’s and Father’s day.

First Time Parents

First time parenting can be so nerve-wrecking, confusing and funny all at once. You turn into a germaphobe maniac. Everything is Lysol’d down, locked away and sanitized. You want to own everything there is to own for a brand new baby’s homecoming. From the baby monitors to the bottle warmers, even the high tech virtual baby carrier (no such thing, but if there was you would feel the need to have one). Let me just fill you in on a secret. That stuff is a load of crap, unless you are planning on continuing a life long line of births like the Duggar family. Babies grow fast and none of that $100 crap is used more than a good 2 to 3 months… if that. Here are a few more things to keep in mind:

- No, your baby does not have to have all of the newest, freshest booties made by Jordan

- Girls can wear more than just pink

- It is ok to get your baby girl’s ears pierced after 3 months

- No, you do not have to keep them in the house for the entire 6 weeks that you are on maternity leave

- It’s okay to expose them to the outside air, lol.

Honestly, what really needs a vicious yearly stock are onesies, sleepers, diapers and milk. Trust me, the baby will be fine.

Birthdays

*raises hand* I am a victim of treating every birthday as if it were a Sweet 16, but thankfully now I can say that used to be me. If you haven’t invested in a college fund for the little one, or some type of life insurance, then a birthday party should be the last line of discussion. We all want to be able to bring the petting zoo to our backyard and request for the whole cast of Yo Gabba Gabba to make an appearance. This is where a lot of parents make the biggest mistakes and we can bring on an 18 year span of a spoiled brat epidemic. The one thing that I have to say about trying to throw the biggest 1st birthday bash is you will go broke and probably stroke from the stress of inviting every single child in the entire county, all while “baby” is never going to remember any of it. Yes! I admit this will be one for the photo albums and will definitely go down in history for all of the kids that were invited from the neighborhood, but the only thing you have left to show to “baby” is a bunch of pictures. It would just be retarded of you to ask, “Do you remember this, when you were riding the pony?” The answer is no!! And “baby” is probably going to look at you like you’ve  lost your damn mind, lol. Seriously.

Unconditional Love and Patience is a Virtue

Parenting as a whole, can really have some trying times. Children will break things, give off attitudes, and/or develop a sense of selective hearing where they learn to totally block you out while you are talking to them. You could possibly resort to a myocardial infarction, alopecia, or even feel the need to just run away, LOL! Yet, there’s something about these little people that keep us going and gives us the motivation to stick around and do what we need to do, by completing our circle of life. Every parent’s goal is to guide their child into the best possible light that could ever be given off. Note: your parenting skills are and will be tested on a day-to-day basis. Life is trial and error, cause and effect. It’s what you make of it, for yourself as well as for your little one, but always remember that it doesn’t take much for that ultimate grand finale. Without patience, you will never make it through parenthood. Regardless of what punishment you give them, they will always love you because that unconditional format was set in place from day 1. At the end of the day, even if they drew all over your daVinci painting with your Mac makeup, or they filled your Red Bottoms with applesauce, this one little personality will forever be irreplaceable. There is no one like him or her, and for that, there is no love like yours…unconditionally.

Enjoy parenthood!! I hope I didn’t scare anyone

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• Dating Women With Kids
• 5 Signs a Woman Will Cause Baby Mama Drama
• Life Goes On
• Joys (and Pains) of Pregnancy

Candi

No specifics. Just me. Just common sense.

 

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