June 21st, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
Being raised by a bunch of very opinionated, outspoken, hardcore, strong, kick-ass black women, I would have to say that I never cared too much about the fact that my father was in and out, or hardly ever around. So after reading blogs and listening to podcasts concerning Daddy/Daughter Relationships, I decided to sit myself in the hot seat and see if I can compare my relationship with my Dad to some of my life situations when dealing with other men. This should really be an eye-opener…. and, maybe a little humorous.
The Beginning
“Daddy” was a Marine/Police Officer/every little boy or grown man’s worst fear. My girlfriend’s dad is licensed to kill. Somehow, at a young age, I knew this and loved to brag about the fact that “My Daddy is better than your Daddy,” or any boyfriend, for that matter. Back then, we had an awesome relationship. When he was over in Desert Storm, he sent me letters on the regular. Plus, the fact that he lived in DC was never an issue because he visited on a regular basis, as if it was right around the corner. It had taken me years to understand that he actually lived 4 hours away. I spent my summers up north with my mother, where “Daddy” and I spent a great amount of time together doing girly things, riding go-karts, going swimming, you name it, we did it or made plans to do it. This is where all of those clichés began to make sense, the American Dream, Daddy’s little girl…blah, blah, blahblahblah.
The Middle
With middle school age came changes. Not because I was going through adolescent attitudes, flowing red waves, or finding out where penises really go. “Daddy” had met someone new. The fact that he had yet another girlfriend was nothing strange to me. I was always #1. But there was something different about this situation, because now my Daddy/Daughter dates were limited and cut short. And then, voila! They’re married. To make matters worse, she was jealous of our relationship and their arguments consisted of my name and something to the effect of her sons not receiving the same treatment. This resulted in him having to sneak and give me money or buy me things; as well as, making bullshit efforts assisted by excuses for mishaps on the journey or protesting to me what he had to do in order to make things happen. It wasn’t long before I came to the realization of where I stood with him, but I became numb. The things he said would go in one ear, and out the other. But that was “Daddy” and you can’t stay mad with your Dad, even when you know he is in the wrong.
The End
So, let’s apply and re-apply. In a nutshell, I’m left with a high tolerance for bullshit. He made it really easy to forgive and forget. “Sorry, honey, I know I’m late but _____ here’s ____”. Sound familiar? The same words that came from my father’s mouth are the same words I hear all too often from a man’s mouth, which makes me quite accepting of the disappointments. Whether or not it was late, at least I did get a gift. At least he said he was sorry. (NOTE: at LEAST) It was either that or he came to town with a pity party about what is going on in his house and how unhappy he is; this is, also, an effective application that I like to call the “reverse effect”. Now my anger quickly subsides and turns to sympathy and I began to empathize with the enemy. I have become accustomed to revolving doors and have always made myself readily available to whomever I have delved into with my all. This is what my “Daddy” taught me, and although he felt that he was making up for lost time, he was only instilling in me a life full of bad habits.
You see, where the strange scenarios roll in… it’s easy for me to let go. Out of sight, out of mind. That has never been the hard part. The part that frustrates me is I’m too gullible within a commitment. The commitment to my father or the commitment within a relationship. As long as I had no communication with my father, I was fine. But to add fuel to the fire, once he was back in the picture, I was Daddy’s little girl again which stayed consistent with trial and error. Same difference with any man that I have loved (which are very few…very) My timeline would probably show a pattern of “off again, on agains”. Men who did wrong and came back through these revolving doors with apologies out the wa-zoo, long enough for me to classify them as repeat offenders and to, also, hold onto resentment (which could go either way). It never failed, as long as I was free and available, I was open to listen. A new male role model never came into my life, so I would always be accepting to what I was dealt. See the pattern here? No new man? Keep the old one.
And all this time, I thought I wasn’t affected. But when bad habits begin to turn into real problems, you have to analyze and strategize in order to exterminate. This is only the beginning to piecing myself together.
No specifics. Just me. Just common sense.
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Wow. This was an amazing post. What I got from this is that you have figured a lot of things out. And once you figure things out then you can change old patterns. So it sounds like despite your pain you are moving forward.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Valentina!! I admit I was a little nervous about this one. It's one thing to open up to some ONE but to open up to an audience can be quite nerve-wrecking LOL!! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it.
You're right! I want to change bad habits. I'm a very emotionally detached person when it comes down to relationships, but once I'm in one (if they can even get that far, lol) I'm in it. I almost came to the conclusion that "oohhh this is what happened, now that I see the pattern, it's okay." But that wasn't enough. You tend to get tired of bs, whether it's from family, friends, or S/O's. Now I just have to figure out how NOT to make everybody the enemy, LOL!! Talk about a girl having work to do!!
Thanks again!!
I am so glad you shared this post with us! I know it means a lot to me. I can totally see the growth in you and it's remarkable. Like I told you recently, you're evolving before my eyes!
Thank you so much J!! I'm really glad you gave me that extra push. Good thing you can't snatch emails back after you send then, huh? LOL!
The support really means a lot to me!
My recent post Up 4 Discussion Presents…
I've resolved my issues with my dad, and the great news is, I don't hate men anymore.
Now, I'm reading a book so I can deal with the issues with me and my mom.
Thank you for this post.
My recent post Hugh Hefner is Ugly!
That's awesome!!
You know, I have never had a talk with him about how I felt about this situation. I'm not sure I feel that it's even necessary. He and his wife are divorced now. I kind of look forward to him making up for lost time with MY kids. BUT… I'm not so sure about that just yet. They're still young so there's time.
As for my mother, LMAO!!! Totally different ballgame. We're close BUT she didn't raise me. Guess you can say I got issues coming from both ends LLS!! Maybe I'll gather my thoughts for that post at a later date.
So glad you could stop by and leave your mark. Thank you for reading and commenting.
My recent post Reflection Time: When Grind Mode Sets In Update
I'm curious Gal…what's the book you're reading?
Wow, I can see my life mixed in here….minus my dad…I had a sometimey step dad…
I tried getting to know my dad, but all he want was to control me as if I was that same toddler he left. He always makes excuses why he wasn't there…needless to say we are on the terms as if I don't see him again I'm fine with it, and that's not good.
Thanks for sharing this!
My recent post What’s Your Flavor?
I'm curious Sunny, how does your relationship make you feel? Also, do you think it effects who you are in any way?
I don't feel anything… it is what it is. It effects me… how? In my choice of men… or men I deal with usually ones who don't stick around…
My recent post Music Mondays: I’ll Bee Dat
Now that was deep. I can really appreciate this type of writing. Daddy's do have an effect on their daughters. I am a step dad, and I have mad some mistakes in raising my step daughter. I spoil her mom, and I was not showing her enought attention. I have started to treat her like I treat her mama. I try to let her know that you should not except anything from a man. http://www.blackconvo.com
How has your relationship with your step daughter changed since you came to that realization?
You see! It's awesome when a person can come to terms with their mistakes and correcting them is just amazing. I also commend you on taking on that roll. That's something special all in it's own. It's surprising when most men come into a relationship with someone who already has a daughter, normally don't take well to the daughter. That situation is a little fragile. But as long as that love and same commitment is there and intentions are pure… everything just flows as it should. Good job BlackConvo!!
For a long time, I didn't understand how much his words/praise/i love you's would have effected me, had we never fell out for that time period. I never understood how the way he treated me would have to do with anything else I handled within my life. But when you start going through things, and you can't come to grips with what it is about YOU… then it's time to dig deep.
Thank you so much for sharing your situation and commenting.
My recent post Up 4 Discussion Presents…
Thank you for sharing "yourself" with us. I hope that other young women will learn something positive from their life experiences whether they are negative or positive. I believe that you will find a way to work through your relationship issues and learn to trust and love again, someone for himself. Keep striving for truth.
Thank YOU for appreciating the piece.
I'm definitely a work in progress and sometimes you have to really dig deep to understand your flaws. Pretending/lying or trying to be someone that I, most definitely, am not is just not something that was built in me. My dad and I are cool, but I do keep my distance when dealing with certain things and situations (ie: my kids).
"Keep striving for truth." <~ yes I will!! I'm really good at trying to dig stuff up. Especially on myself, lol Thanks for your comment!
My recent post Up 4 Discussion Presents…
This article walks the fine line of male-bashing.
The end result of rum up in relation to relationships is what?
Great post… I have very similar Daddy issues and it took me a while to figure out why I was dating all of these "great" guys but not finding happiness. I was repeating the experiences that I had with my Daddy in my new relationships…. lots of stuff, little substance… Thanks for sharing
My recent post Are you afraid of being labeled a “gold digger”?