October 15th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
[Author’s note: I was going to do Part 2 of this story in the form of an interview but I couldn't get through it. Things got very heated and ended in a yelling match. So here is what happened and the back story on the "The Married Cheater."]
He cheated first and she found out; I guess he told her. She decided to deal with it and they went on with life as a married couple. About 3 years later, he was diagnosed with a potentially deadly disease. It was touch and go for almost a year and not long after he was given a clean bill of health (a week after to be exact) SHE DROPPED A BOMB ON HIM! She had met someone else.
Not only had she been seeing this other man, while her husband was on his death-bed, but she professed her love for this new guy and wanted to be with him. That confession was a slap in the face to her husband and hurt him to his core. It wasn’t just the fact that she cheated, because he expected it would happen one day since he had cheated on her. It wasn’t even the fact that she was cheating when he could have died. What REALLY hurt him was the fact that she, his wife, was in love with another man.
“The Married Cheater” decided that maybe she just needed to get this out of her system. “We had been married for 10+ years and I had cheated on her,” he tried to rationalize to himself. So he sat back for 2 months to allow her to be with this man and get it out of her system, then they could go back to “life as usual”…or so he thought.
He tried not to show his hurt when she wouldn’t come home, leaving the responsibility of taking care of their children completely to him. He walked into his room (they no longer share a room) to avoid seeing her getting ready to see her lover. He felt like it was “karma” and he deserved what was happening, but he NEVER thought that the affair was as serious as it was. That was until he read through some text messages, between his wife and her lover, that expressed how much she loved this man and wanted to be with him. “She had NEVER expressed her love for me, the way that she expressed it for this other man in those texts.”
After 2 months, he couldn’t take it anymore and he sat her down and they had a talk. He wanted her to make a decision and she told him that she wanted to be with the other man. She wasn’t happy in the marriage anymore and she didn’t want to be in it. He begged her to stay and wanted to work it out, but she didn’t want to.
After that conversation, he began to see several women in an effort to “get back at his wife.”
My question to him was, “When you initially decided to cheat, why not decide to leave? If you wanted to throw 10+ years of marriage away on a piece of ass…why not just leave? Why fuck around?”
“You don’t know what goes on in a marriage. Sometimes situations and stuff happen.”
“If that is the case and you are not willing to try to work it out, then LEAVE! That’s the damn problem; men want their cake and to eat it, too!” I yelled.
“Do you think that I went into the marriage intending to cheat?” he asked.
“YOU are the one who said, ‘ALL men cheat.’ So if that was always your philosophy, you KNEW that when you got married!”
“I didn’t KNOW that when I got married. I didn’t get married thinking that I would cheat!”
“So you were lying when you said that all men cheat, because by your own statement, you said all men do. That would mean you knew that you would one day cheat!”
“Look, YOU get married and think a MF will be faithful! You are stupid if you think that’s gonna happen! This is what happened,” he said. “I slipped up! I messed up and even when she said that she forgave me, somewhere in the back of my head, I knew she would get back at me by being with someone else one day and that’s just what happened. It just took a couple of years before she did it. I get that! I accepted that! I would have done the same thing as payback. That’s why when she told me she was seeing someone else I figured this was her getting back at me. I didn’t think she was going to fall in love with him! I didn’t fall in love with the other women. It was JUST SEX! But she fell in love and that’s when I knew it was over! I begged her to stay and try to work it out and she didn’t want to, so fuck it! I was DONE!”
After the conversation and replaying it in my head, I have come to a couple of conclusions about “The Married Cheater”.
I am still not sure where his whole philosophy on “98% of men cheat” came from. I thought maybe he had some hatred for his mother; his father was a pimp, etc. This is not the case, as I did ask those questions and from the answers he loved and respected his mother and his father was not a pimp.
I truly believe that his excuses, using animals, the kings in the Bible, etc are all excuses for his shortcomings in his marriage. He admitted that he became too comfortable in the marriage and didn’t do the things that he used to. When she talked, he didn’t listen. When she wanted to do things as simple as playing cards, he was too tired. He provided for the family, but just became lax in his dealings with his wife outside of the bedroom.
I truly believe that karma is a MF and something that you don’t want to play with. All that “talking” that he did in the first interview was just a lot of bullshit, because I could hear it in his voice that he is still very hurt by the situation.
At the moment, they are separated and still sharing a house; although she isn’t home very often. He is looking for a place to move in the near future. They have an “understanding.” She is still with this other man and he sees other women. Since he is “not a dog like that,” he is only having sex with one woman and she knows what the situation is and understands that he is not ready to be in a relationship, given that he is not completely out of the one that he is still in. He swears that he will never marry again and it will be “a long time” before he even considers having a girlfriend. He still stands by his truth that ALL men cheat and to that I have to say that in hisworld…they do!!
Up 4 Discussion…
1) What lessons do you think “The Married Cheater” can learn from his experience?
2) Do you think you could or would forgive a partner for cheating on you?
3) How can a couple overcome cheating and betrayal in a relationship?
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Tyese Knighten is the Editor in Chief of the Sexy Single Mommy.com. She writes about the uncensored truth about being a sexy single mommy. Her blog is not only for single mothers, but she also gives the raw truth to both men and women about dating and relationships.
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Even though he sounds like a total Do-Do brain, he has enough common sense to know what the lesson here is. He's a man scorned, and vice versa for the wife. And for his lack of self control, he dished out the starting fight in the arena, and wasn't prepared for the blows that were going to swing back his way. He knows where he went wrong, how the relationship failed but lacks the motivation to put forth a real effort to keep his marriage going, which he clearly states. This is where we see the dumb-ass justifications coming from (animal characteristics, africa, etc.) that for some reason continuously keeps coming out of his mouth. I see spoiledness. "If I can't have it my way, then fuck it". He waits for a sorry measely ass 2 months and felt that was enough time for her to soil her oats and get over her trauma, all while he sits on his ass like he is hot shit and doesn't have to do anything in order for her to come back to him. If anything, he was adding fuel to his wife and her lover's fire.
That's a very interesting way to look at it Candi.I must ask, do you feel a lil sorry for the married cheater?
Nope! Not at all! You reap what you sow.
He's plowing his field exactly the way he SHOULD expect it to grow. But it's like he's expecting for top notch produce when he's only putting in the work for the disfigured and not so ripe. Sorry J, he get's no pity from me, and neither does she because she makes it no better. It's apparent that neither one of them was ready for marriage nor did they understand the vows or they wouldn't have been in such a shithole.
That's a great point. A true relationship much have commitment and respect.
Absolutely!! Without it, it's nothing.
I know this guy (not married) that cheated and tried to make it work for 3 years before he decided it was time to move on. I admired his persistance, and was disgusted with her reactions towards him. Because, I'm thinking what more could you ask for? And honestly I don't know of another man with that kind of time. In a case such as that, I think I would have given into the honor. Yet on another day, I don't think I can forgive someone for cheating. There was never any round 2's with past relationships after someone cheated on me. I usually kept it moving, because whenever there was a request for a 2nd chance (which was always), my response was, "I wouldn't be any good to you." lol! Now that was some honesty for their asses.
3 years is a long time to wait for forgiveness.I totally understand that Candi. It can be difficult trusting someone who's betrayed you in such a way. I know it can't be easy to do.
Yes! 3 years is way out of the ordinary. That's what WOULD have made it so special had they gotten back together. I don't think this will be ever going down in history again, tho lol.
Well, there was always a couple of ways to look at it. When i felt that I was being commited and faithful, then YEA I was distraught by finding out about the cheater. But when when you dishing out the same amount of dirt too… there was nothing left to say, I just moved on about my merry way. That's when the light shines in and you ask yourself, "what am I doing here anyway." It was pointless. I think recognizing that is the hard part.
I can understand that. I'm curious, what led you to stray when you were in a relationship?
LOL!!! Dammit J… something I have not spoken about in years… a few broken hearts in high school and then there was the ultimate… "high school sweetheart hall of doom-er", dun-dun-duuunnnn LMAO!!! That was my senior year and part of my freshmen year in college. After that, it was a wrap. I had no reasons behind my madness. I was hurt and broken, and I just didn't give a fuck. *shivers* eww, sounds so harsh, lol.
Thats crazy….although to wrongs don't make it right (in my Eddie Cain Jr. voice) he now.understands how females feel.
he is a man hurt, and now all women are the same. When in.reality we all arent cheaters. interesting read.
My recent post What’s Your Flavor?
True. Two wrongs don't make a right. Unfortunately, we live in a vengeful society.I agree with you. I don't think everyone is a cheater either.
2 wrongs don't make a right and I don't think that he has learned his lesson through it all. He is still making excuses. I personally think that he needs to seek some professional help!
My recent post What Would You Do If You Witnessed Domestic Violence?
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