[Author’s note: I was going to do Part 2 of this story in the form of an interview but I couldn't get through it. Things got very heated and ended in a yelling match. So here is what happened and the back story on the "The Married Cheater."]
He cheated first and she found out; I guess he told her. She decided to deal with it and they went on with life as a married couple. About 3 years later, he was diagnosed with a potentially deadly disease. It was touch and go for almost a year and not long after he was given a clean bill of health (a week after to be exact) SHE DROPPED A BOMB ON HIM! She had met someone else.
Not only had she been seeing this other man, while her husband was on his death-bed, but she professed her love for this new guy and wanted to be with him. That confession was a slap in the face to her husband and hurt him to his core. It wasn’t just the fact that she cheated, because he expected it would happen one day since he had cheated on her. It wasn’t even the fact that she was cheating when he could have died. What REALLY hurt him was the fact that she, his wife, was in love with another man.
“The Married Cheater” decided that maybe she just needed to get this out of her system. “We had been married for 10+ years and I had cheated on her,” he tried to rationalize to himself. So he sat back for 2 months to allow her to be with this man and get it out of her system, then they could go back to “life as usual”…or so he thought.
He tried not to show his hurt when she wouldn’t come home, leaving the responsibility of taking care of their children completely to him. He walked into his room (they no longer share a room) to avoid seeing her getting ready to see her lover. He felt like it was “karma” and he deserved what was happening, but he NEVER thought that the affair was as serious as it was. That was until he read through some text messages, between his wife and her lover, that expressed how much she loved this man and wanted to be with him. “She had NEVER expressed her love for me, the way that she expressed it for this other man in those texts.”
After 2 months, he couldn’t take it anymore and he sat her down and they had a talk. He wanted her to make a decision and she told him that she wanted to be with the other man. She wasn’t happy in the marriage anymore and she didn’t want to be in it. He begged her to stay and wanted to work it out, but she didn’t want to.
After that conversation, he began to see several women in an effort to “get back at his wife.”
My question to him was, “When you initially decided to cheat, why not decide to leave? If you wanted to throw 10+ years of marriage away on a piece of ass…why not just leave? Why fuck around?”
“You don’t know what goes on in a marriage. Sometimes situations and stuff happen.”
“If that is the case and you are not willing to try to work it out, then LEAVE! That’s the damn problem; men want their cake and to eat it, too!” I yelled.
“Do you think that I went into the marriage intending to cheat?” he asked.
“YOU are the one who said, ‘ALL men cheat.’ So if that was always your philosophy, you KNEW that when you got married!”
“I didn’t KNOW that when I got married. I didn’t get married thinking that I would cheat!”
“So you were lying when you said that all men cheat, because by your own statement, you said all men do. That would mean you knew that you would one day cheat!”
“Look, YOU get married and think a MF will be faithful! You are stupid if you think that’s gonna happen! This is what happened,” he said. “I slipped up! I messed up and even when she said that she forgave me, somewhere in the back of my head, I knew she would get back at me by being with someone else one day and that’s just what happened. It just took a couple of years before she did it. I get that! I accepted that! I would have done the same thing as payback. That’s why when she told me she was seeing someone else I figured this was her getting back at me. I didn’t think she was going to fall in love with him! I didn’t fall in love with the other women. It was JUST SEX! But she fell in love and that’s when I knew it was over! I begged her to stay and try to work it out and she didn’t want to, so fuck it! I was DONE!”
After the conversation and replaying it in my head, I have come to a couple of conclusions about “The Married Cheater”.
I am still not sure where his whole philosophy on “98% of men cheat” came from. I thought maybe he had some hatred for his mother; his father was a pimp, etc. This is not the case, as I did ask those questions and from the answers he loved and respected his mother and his father was not a pimp.
I truly believe that his excuses, using animals, the kings in the Bible, etc are all excuses for his shortcomings in his marriage. He admitted that he became too comfortable in the marriage and didn’t do the things that he used to. When she talked, he didn’t listen. When she wanted to do things as simple as playing cards, he was too tired. He provided for the family, but just became lax in his dealings with his wife outside of the bedroom.
I truly believe that karma is a MF and something that you don’t want to play with. All that “talking” that he did in the first interview was just a lot of bullshit, because I could hear it in his voice that he is still very hurt by the situation.
At the moment, they are separated and still sharing a house; although she isn’t home very often. He is looking for a place to move in the near future. They have an “understanding.” She is still with this other man and he sees other women. Since he is “not a dog like that,” he is only having sex with one woman and she knows what the situation is and understands that he is not ready to be in a relationship, given that he is not completely out of the one that he is still in. He swears that he will never marry again and it will be “a long time” before he even considers having a girlfriend. He still stands by his truth that ALL men cheat and to that I have to say that in hisworld…they do!!
Up 4 Discussion…
1) What lessons do you think “The Married Cheater” can learn from his experience?
2) Do you think you could or would forgive a partner for cheating on you?
3) How can a couple overcome cheating and betrayal in a relationship?
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