July 5th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
Apparently in every man’s life there’s that one woman who jump-started his heart. Through her he learned the true meaning of relationship, vulnerability and love. Once their time ended, the vestibule to his heart corroded disconnecting the vital pathways of brain to emotion and reconnected them to a more nether region I like to call instant gratification. This aboriginal girl becomes the prototype to which all others are measured. Black Twitter The world calls this phenomenon the Girlfriend Zero complex.
As hard and as traumatizing the first love experience is for a man *hands out tissues here* the woman who succeeds Girlfriend Zero is ultimately doomed. I’m not talking his intermittent sexual partners or casual dates; no MonogaMiss [MM] is the girl with a title but never the love. I have a theory on three traits that a guy looks for after Girlfriend Zero and three correlating reasons why those traits don’t work in practice.
1. Nurturing, Loving, Healing: A caring, kind woman is in essence perfect for the broken hearted man. Not only will she listen to all his [love] woes and hardships, but she’ll offer her support to rejuvenate his spirit. She can see that underneath all the barriers, he’s a great guy and his love (should he choose to give it again) will be everlasting. In the same breath that she rebuilds his heart, she also fights to chisel her name in the crevices.
Why it fails: While it’s great that MM gives of herself to the stone fortress, it’s a palace in continuous renovation. And though she falls in love with every nook and cranny, he will constantly rearrange the furniture so that she can’t catch her bearings… or get too comfortable. In return for all of the hard work, the fortress will regain its polish as he will regain his confidence with little credit to the contractor who envisioned the transformation. Like any good renovator, she will fall in love with her masterpiece, coveting the design for herself. But at the first sign of serious he will put his house back on the market. MonogaMiss is the intermediary not the final procurer.
2. He’s a good boyfriend: Borderline great actually. He has the perfect mix of home training and new car smell, making his integration in MM’s life easy. She’s caught off-guard by his romantic gestures and spurts of affection. And though he quips on not wanting a girlfriend, it’s really all he knows. She is quickly brandished with a title, introduced to friends and family, and a pattern is formed. She feels special as his needs are met.
Why it fails: Unfortunately easy isn’t what he’s looking for. I’ve heard time and again how Girlfriend Zero was at times a challenge, at others difficult… but he liked it! Even if he appreciates the routine of the relationship with MM, he still wants that excitement of working for every win with Girlfriend Zero. In respect of his search for a replacement Girlfriend Zero whirlwind, he will leave.
3. Willingness to please: A common characteristic of the MonogaMiss type is a desire to be accommodating. The innocuous comments of “have you ever thought of wearing your hair like X?” or “Do you know how to make/ do X?” It’s not that he wants you to be G.Z., but he wants to bring elements of “them” to his new relationship because he’s a creature of habit and his understanding of normal was developed while he was with G.Z. The malleability of MM is tempered by an uncertainty of her loveability. Thus he likes her willingness to change while wishing she was more confident.
Why it fails: Monogamiss’ specialty is seeing a lack and making progress to overcome it. But all of the pouring out will lead her bucket bare. It’s impossible to recreate the Girlfriend Zero experience partly because he only remembers the smell of roses and not the manure underneath, but even more so because she will lose the identity that made her desirable in the first place.
The Girlfriend Zero principle is a new concept for me. I’ve read it on a few blogs (SBM.org & 30 and Beyond). Color me surprised when I uncovered that in my last few relationships I was the MonogaMiss right after Girlfriend Zero (most recently with the emotionally unavailable man). It got me wondering about some common themes with the guys I’ve dated and the outcome… hence the post!
Up 4 Discussion…
Ladies:
1) Have you ever been the MonogaMiss after Girlfriend Zero?
2) Were you all of the above and more to the brokenhearted man?
Fellas:
I would like to know the magical elixir taken to get over G.Z.! Well, maybe y’all don’t know since more of you would be tied down by now… Don’t dodge my bullets, spew blood in the comments. *taps the mic*
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F. Scott Fitzgerald quipped ‘You dont write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.’
Whether on this site or on her personal blog ‘The Soundtrack of My Life’, there are never enough words to capture her essence. Her aim is to exhaust all of the words in the English language, and then invent new ones because writing is her passion. Sometimes funny, sometimes reflective, always honest; it’s a fresh take on common issues.
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1) Yep. Sidenote: There is NO statue of limitations for this. You can be a MonogaMiss immediately after GZ, or four years later, when he finally decides to deal with his emotions.
2) Yep. Worse, I was the, "See, I CAN still bag hot chicks!" girl.
I completely agree… its so funny how long men can hold on to baggage, but women are immediately expected to get over stuff … that's a whole other post!
My recent post Daughters
Speaking from a mans perspective, A real man bounces back after Girlfriend Zero, and it does take long. He may become a little tougher, but it does not take long to come back to reality. http://www.blackconvo.com
My recent post Would you vote for a White Prez over Obama?
I'm interested by this comment. First of all, what constitutes a real man? And secondly, can you really bounce back after the love of your life (or so you thought)? It just seems that there are some ties that last the test of time…
Can I safely assume that you have had a GZ?
My recent post No One Can Love You More
1). Honestly, I was not MM after GZ. I was GZ for one of my exes and I didn't know that until now. Wow…that was a weird period in time. @Amaris_Acosta is right…there is NO statue of limitations at all. This went on for over 10 years.
2). Yes, I was the best friend. But I was comfortable with that.
My recent post My interest in the whole MiAKA vs. AKA situation
Were you the best friend and romantically involved?
My recent post No One Can Love You More
I enjoy the diverse topics you share and explore. I agree with your theories and why they do not succeed. I have been the GZ and the heartbroken fellow kept coming back for many years until I slammed the door shut with no way for him to return, forcing him to make other choices that best benefited him, as well as me. In other relationships I have been the MM and I jumped through hoops and did flips to no avail because the gentleman was not ready to move on. Keep up the great post and I am grateful to Up4Discussion for feature your blog post. Keep striving for truth.
Wow! I have been GF0 and the MM! Thanks for breaking this down for me. The funny thing is I knew I was the MM, but I thought I could work my magic and change the situation. It never worked and I was always left feeling frustrated and upset. As GF0 I had the power in the relationship and afterwards and I rather reveled in that title because I knew I had earned it. I wonder if there is a gray area in between for us to land after we have worked both of these jobs! LOL! Great post!
My recent post Lyric Fire: Pretty Girl Cry: A Poem
I think MM's are some miracle magicians though, because all of the guys to which I was the intermediary ended up marrying or settling down with the next girl.
we can both learn and report back.
I haven't reached the gray area yet, but I'll let you know
Thanks for reading!
My recent post No One Can Love You More
For the most part, most men have experiences with GZ that color the way they view life, and love. My own personal experience as a man who dealt with the emotions is probably exasperated because my GZ was 7 years older than me. I was involved with others before her, but she set a standard, and helped prepare me to be a better man when the next relationship came around. She’ll have a piece of the heart as in most of these situations.