Apparently in every man’s life there’s that one woman who jump-started his heart. Through her he learned the true meaning of relationship, vulnerability and love. Once their time ended, the vestibule to his heart corroded disconnecting the vital pathways of brain to emotion and reconnected them to a more nether region I like to call instant gratification. This aboriginal girl becomes the prototype to which all others are measured. Black Twitter The world calls this phenomenon the Girlfriend Zero complex.
As hard and as traumatizing the first love experience is for a man *hands out tissues here* the woman who succeeds Girlfriend Zero is ultimately doomed. I’m not talking his intermittent sexual partners or casual dates; no MonogaMiss [MM] is the girl with a title but never the love. I have a theory on three traits that a guy looks for after Girlfriend Zero and three correlating reasons why those traits don’t work in practice.
1. Nurturing, Loving, Healing: A caring, kind woman is in essence perfect for the broken hearted man. Not only will she listen to all his [love] woes and hardships, but she’ll offer her support to rejuvenate his spirit. She can see that underneath all the barriers, he’s a great guy and his love (should he choose to give it again) will be everlasting. In the same breath that she rebuilds his heart, she also fights to chisel her name in the crevices.
Why it fails: While it’s great that MM gives of herself to the stone fortress, it’s a palace in continuous renovation. And though she falls in love with every nook and cranny, he will constantly rearrange the furniture so that she can’t catch her bearings… or get too comfortable. In return for all of the hard work, the fortress will regain its polish as he will regain his confidence with little credit to the contractor who envisioned the transformation. Like any good renovator, she will fall in love with her masterpiece, coveting the design for herself. But at the first sign of serious he will put his house back on the market. MonogaMiss is the intermediary not the final procurer.
2. He’s a good boyfriend: Borderline great actually. He has the perfect mix of home training and new car smell, making his integration in MM’s life easy. She’s caught off-guard by his romantic gestures and spurts of affection. And though he quips on not wanting a girlfriend, it’s really all he knows. She is quickly brandished with a title, introduced to friends and family, and a pattern is formed. She feels special as his needs are met.
Why it fails: Unfortunately easy isn’t what he’s looking for. I’ve heard time and again how Girlfriend Zero was at times a challenge, at others difficult… but he liked it! Even if he appreciates the routine of the relationship with MM, he still wants that excitement of working for every win with Girlfriend Zero. In respect of his search for a replacement Girlfriend Zero whirlwind, he will leave.
3. Willingness to please: A common characteristic of the MonogaMiss type is a desire to be accommodating. The innocuous comments of “have you ever thought of wearing your hair like X?” or “Do you know how to make/ do X?” It’s not that he wants you to be G.Z., but he wants to bring elements of “them” to his new relationship because he’s a creature of habit and his understanding of normal was developed while he was with G.Z. The malleability of MM is tempered by an uncertainty of her loveability. Thus he likes her willingness to change while wishing she was more confident.
Why it fails: Monogamiss’ specialty is seeing a lack and making progress to overcome it. But all of the pouring out will lead her bucket bare. It’s impossible to recreate the Girlfriend Zero experience partly because he only remembers the smell of roses and not the manure underneath, but even more so because she will lose the identity that made her desirable in the first place.
The Girlfriend Zero principle is a new concept for me. I’ve read it on a few blogs (SBM.org & 30 and Beyond). Color me surprised when I uncovered that in my last few relationships I was the MonogaMiss right after Girlfriend Zero (most recently with the emotionally unavailable man). It got me wondering about some common themes with the guys I’ve dated and the outcome… hence the post!
Up 4 Discussion…
1) Have you ever been the MonogaMiss after Girlfriend Zero?
2) Were you all of the above and more to the brokenhearted man?
I would like to know the magical elixir taken to get over G.Z.! Well, maybe y’all don’t know since more of you would be tied down by now… Don’t dodge my bullets, spew blood in the comments. *taps the mic*
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