October 1st, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
Today I listened to a co-worker talk about how she has her man trained. She bragged about how her husband works all day then comes home to his second shift where he waits on her hand and foot. She went on to list the chores her man does and the list was quite extensive. As she talked, I thought about how difficult it must be for that man to give so much to such a selfish woman. So I deliberately – I mean errr inadvertently asked, “If your husband does everything for you and the kids, who takes care of him?” She looked at me with this, “O no you di’n’t” expression on her face and ignored my question by pretending to get lost in the conversation that our colleagues were having. I could tell that my question bothered her, and frankly I wanted it to because I wanted her to recognize how selfish she sounded. I wanted to point out that she was showing herself to be a taker who was taking advantage of her man’s kindness.
I don’t know too many men who would pamper their wives daily the way my colleague alleges of her husband. But if I were to come across one I would snatch him up faster than a cat can lick its butt. And I would spend the rest of my life giving to him as much as, or more than, he gave to me. This woman has a hardworking man, who is also skilled domestically and doesn’t mind serving her. Rather than return the favor she sits there, like the queen of the earth, waiting for him to feed her grapes. Ehhhhh, wrong answer!
In my 31 years I’ve learned that if you want to be a man’s Queen, you have to earn the title. Women are not entitled to the Queen-dom merely by virtue of our reproductive organs. You have to put in work: clean the house a few times, cook some meals , massage limbs tense from a hard day’s work, be a listening ear, be a helpmate…perform late night strip teases after the little ones have been put to bed – or whatever, you catch my drift. In a relationship you cannot live in the land of inaction assuming that your man will continue giving his all while getting nothing in return. In fact, nothing in life works that way. Everything worth having requires effort. Heck the Queen of England inherited her throne, but even she has to “do work” to keep her citizens happy, so what makes us peasants any different?
In this age of entitlement and quick fixes, we have produced a generation of takers who have forgotten about work ethic and service. Work ethic doesn’t just apply to our jobs, and service isn’t just about volunteering to help the less fortunate. These ideals apply to the relationships we participate in as well. Maintaining a relationship requires that both parties work together and serve one another. Think about your mate. If you two didn’t make it a point to spend time and work at being happy together your relationship would suffer right? What about at work, if you and your co-workers didn’t communicate and work together would anything get done in your office? If you’ve ever been married, wasn’t it your best friend who served you as Maid of Honor or Best Man at your wedding? So you see, without a mutual desire to work and serve your relationships will likely crumble.
As the fairer sex we often get passes for behaving like my diva of a co-worker, but some things we cannot let slide or it will ruin us. So please ladies don’t be the one bragging about all your man gives to you if you aren’t giving anything to him in return – and I’m talking about giving him a lot more than just sex. It’s not a good look. Being the taker in a relationship sucks, take it from me. Sure I got whatever I wanted from my man, but it made me feel worthless because I didn’t do much to earn what I was given. I believe that as children of God we are designed to love. Loving requires giving of ourselves without the expectation of receiving anything in return. When we do nothing but take we demonstrate the opposite of love, which is the opposite of God and without Him there is no peace – at least not for me.
Mother Teresa, who is not the Queen of England, but certainly royalty in her own rite once said, “If you pray your will have faith. And if you have faith, you will love. And if you love, you will serve. And if you serve you will have peace.” So if you love someone it shouldn’t be a problem to serve them, in fact it should make you feel good to serve them. I will tell you what I did not tell my colleague, for fear of creating a hostile work environment: Love is an action word and it is what life is all about. So get off your ass and give love, don’t just take it – it’s bad for your heart!
Up 4 Discussion…
1) Are you a giver or taker?
2) When you give, do you expect anything in return?
3) When you take, how does it make you feel?
4) Have you ever been taken advantage of in a relationship? If so, what did you do to fix it? If not, what would you do to fix it if you were ever in that situation?
My name is Sylvia, I sometimes write under the pen name DStiny August, but here on this site, where we’re all friends, just call me SJ. I have been writing for as long as I can remember, you will never find me without a notebook or a pen, and I update my personal blog, www.dstinysmind.blogspot.com, regularly to keep my writing skills fresh. I believe writing is my gift from God and I feel obligated to use my gift to help others.
My goal as a writer is to entertain and educate people by embedding valuable life lessons into riveting stories. I want to inspire a shift in consciousness that will encourage people to think about why they make certain choices and how those choices affect their lives. I am an eternal optimist who believes that when people know better, they will do better; I simply want to be a catalyst for this type of progress.
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Loved this!
I've never been a "taker". At least not that I can recall. It's just not in me. I'm actually one of those types that will weigh the offer that you are trying to give in return for whatever I've done and more than likely will respond with, "you keep it, I may need you later". But that's usually for friends and family.
I'm definitely the "giver" (in relationships) and I'm not even sure that I know how to except gifts or servitude in return, only because my brain is continuously running with thoughts of what I can do next. I'm use to putting in 120% and if I can't get the whole percentage in at one time, I let up and reschedule my plans.
As for your co-worker? LMAO!!! Loved your response! I wonder how her evening went after she got home, or even if she did ANYTHING to show her appreciation. That one little question had to have stretched her brain 1000 miles. Because it did for me and you weren't even talking to me, lol! Good Read!
Thank you for reading Sensesocommon! From your comment I see that you are a giver, not a taker – that’s great. You wrote, “…I’m not even sure that I know how to except gifts or servitude in return, only because my brain is continuously running with thoughts of what I can do next.” I want to know more about that, specifically the part about you not knowing how to accept gifts or service from others. What about compliments? Is it easy for you to accept kind words from another person or is that just as difficult as accepting gifts/service?
I hope my question caused my dreadful co-worker to think about how she treats her husband. But she’s almost 40 and has been catered to by him and her family most of her life, so I’m not sure if her behavior will change. As long as she doesn’t expect me to cater to her we’re good! I found out recently that she is with child…I just shook my head and said quietly under my breath, “Her poor, poor husband.”
SJ I'll admit that I'm a little strange in a lot of ways. When it comes down to compliments and kind words, where some people may think it'll go straight to ones head, I tense up and shy away. Depending upon the circumstances. For one, I don't like to be put on the spot, lol. Of course I respond with "thank you", but I'm always wondering if that's even enough.
Maybe it's a "Spook" thing (reference for my grandmother who raised me). She was a giver, and when you asked the question, "whose taking care of your husband", it made me think about her. She was constantly giving, taking care of her husband, etc… and no one was taking care of her (not that I saw anyway) But she never complained and I guess I picked up her habits. I wasn't use to seeing her being woo'd or wined or dined or even given a "thank you", so I guess half the time I'm not even looking for anything in return….
My recent post Deeper Than Intimacy
I think I just had a breakthrough…. jesus!! the life of a blogger, lol… smh
My recent post Deeper Than Intimacy
Hooray @ your breakthrough, lol.
My grandmother, who basically raised me, was also a giver – she still is. She too has difficulty taking anything from anyone. At Christmas and birthdays when presents are being passed around she doesn’t even bother to open hers. It seems to give her joy just to watch all of her family open their presents…I want to be like that someday. Only I don’t want to have an issue, like I do now, with receiving gifts, kind words, or love. Maybe the reason people go overboard with giving is because they feel guilty taking. And perhaps, for the takers in life, the reason they go overboard with taking is because they’re afraid they might not find anyone else to give to them so they take what they can get while it’s there. I was raised that it is better to give than to receive but I also think that taking, occasionally, is necessary just as long as we do not grow selfish.
If you keep giving and take nothing in, won’t you become empty one day? It’s uncomfortable I know but you should allow the people around you to demonstrate their care for you, just as you do to them.
"Maybe the reason people go overboard with giving is because they feel guilty taking" <~ this make so much sense in a weird way. Only because half the time, we already know that we are probably more than deserving of whatever's being done for us.
"If you keep giving and take nothing in, won’t you become empty one day?" <~ empty? very possible, but I haven't gotten that far yet. "Tired?" Now, I'm already there. But I have so much faith in God and truly believe that my blessings will eventually come 10-fold, so I don't complain.
"…allow the people around you to demonstrate their care for you..," I feel that they are always shown in some type of miniscule spectacle (lol) you just have to realize when and where they show up. It's the small things that count (to me). I breath deep every particle of a person's presence. I do have sense enough to know when to say when, but I still feel a great feeling of achievement when I know my part has been done.
Maybe it's my faith, maybe it's the "Spook" thing, but what I do know is I wouldn't mind someone surprising me with a vacation LOL!!
I totally understand what you mean about the feeling of achievement knowing your part is done.
You said, “I breathe deep every particle of a person’s presence…” I love that – that is beautiful.
As for somebody surprising you with a vacation, that is something that neither you nor I would have a problem taking (receiving)!
I like the way you think sensesocommon, thanks for contributing to the discussion.
Thank you for the awesome post… and helping with my breakthrough LOL!! Seems like I'm learning something new about myself everyday.
Hell she probably is lying about some of that!
Good read, SJ. I co-sign your sentiments about feeling worthless if what is given hasn't been earned. I have so much respect for women who make men earn them.
1) Are you a giver or taker?
Both. I give and receive. There were times where I'd been one or the other SOLELY. but as I've learned more and more about myself and women in general, I realize the true satisfaction arrives in the form of knowing when to give to my woman and knowing when to receive. Of course there are times where I'm forced to reexamine the process and either take two steps forward/two steps backward. But when I "get it just right", there's a beautiful intimacy that takes place.
2) When you give, do you expect anything in return?
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Not to suggest that I'm without sincerity, I am a very sincere person, but after having been in the "give, give, give" relationship … I now believe there's a built-in emotion within me that prevents myself from being a damned fool. For example, I will do things for my woman, yet I feel there to be something about herself as a homie/lover/friend that should understand what I need as a man w/o me having to utter a word.
3) When you take, how does it make you feel?
I refer the word "receive", it makes me feel wanted and respected and appreciated – same way I hope it makes her feel as she receives.
4) Have you ever been taken advantage of in a relationship? If so, what did you do to fix it? If not, what would you do to fix it if you were ever in that situation?
Of course I've been taken advantage of. I don't think there's anything a man or woman can do once they find themselves in that situation but stand up for themselves and/or end the relationship and try not to put yourself in that situation ever again.
On another note, I believe there to be some men and women who enjoy being taken advantage of. But that's another story for another day.
My recent post Poetry: There's A Man In My Dreams by Guest Blogger Kari Campbell
Thank you for reading Don. I like your answer to the first question – you give and receive in a relationship. That is how it should be, but it seems uncommon for couples (platonic or romantic) to find that balance that would create the “beautiful intimacy” that you mentioned. I haven’t been able to find quite that balance in my relationships, but I hope to one day.
I think we all develop that built in emotion that prevents us from being damned fools if we live long enough. It would be ideal if a man or woman would come to know what their mate needs without them having to utter a word but that takes time and requires attentiveness.
Receiving should make us feel wanted and appreciated, but there are many people who get weirded out by receiving. What are your thoughts about that?
As for being taken advantage of in a relationship, that has happened to me as well. It sucks while you’re going through it but the lesson learned from it is invaluable.
O, BTW women who make men earn them – yeah that is another story for another day.
Thanks for writing SJ.
I hope I didn't give the impression that such a balance is easily obtained, cause it isn't. By no means. Lol. But if you've ever experienced the level of intimacy in which I mentioned, you already know that it's so worth the mutual feeling.
You know what your husband needs and he knows what you need. There is no way in the world [just my opinion] that THIS isn't so. You feel me?
If I had to say I believe people weird over receiving because maybe they haven't experienced as much or wonder if there's any "fine print" involved in the process. Lol. I'm only kidding, I really can't say why people would feel strangely towards receiving unless, of course, they aren't as giving?
My recent post YOLO: Choose Well
I would say I'm a giver. I give without looking for a return. But if I get one its a pleasant surprise.
I have been taken advantage of in a relationship and I've chalked it up to a lesson learned. I still give, but I'm cautious as to my giving.
If I love you, I want you to be happy and my little acts will show you, I want my words and actions to sync up.
Thank you for reading Sunnydelyte21!
I think we should all give without expecting a return otherwise it diminishes the value of whatever we are trying to give don’t you think? It boils down to intent – if your intentions are simply to give then, you’re right, it is a very pleasant surprise to get something in return. If you give expecting something in return, but you get nothing, it can lead to disappointment and bitterness. We are to be cheerful givers!
“If I love you, I want you to be happy and my little acts will show you, I want my words and actions to sync up.” such a simple, yet meaningful statement that sums up the essence of my post.
I appreciate you chiming in!
I know I have a history of being a giver. I've learned over the years not to give too much…especially too sooner. It's all about pacing myself and determining if someone is worthy of what I'm capable of giving. If so, we need to reach a balance where we're both giving and receiving. No leeching. You know?
I'm a giver. i'll give until I can't give any more. My only request: don't take advantage of me. If I feel like I'm being taken for granted, it's hard to start me back up.
My recent post WOMAN SUES DOCTOR FOR TESTING AND INFORMING HER THAT SHE HAS HIV WITHOUT HER CONSENT
You have a very enlightened view on the give and take in relationships. Unfortunately the ones who brag on selfishly are the ones who have a voice (obnoxiously) and paint a bad name for the rest.
My recent post Textuality