July 12th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
I’d like to know when sex became the bartering chip for a relationship. This idea that you can withhold sex and thus force a man to commit to you baffles me. That’s not to say that sex is not a significant decision but it’s also not a mystical dance by unicorns in a field of butterflies. I remember the first mention of a coital milestone on Girlfriends where Joan proudly stated her three month rule. Joan wouldn’t sleep with any man before they reached the three-month dating mark even if they had been dating exclusively and had established titles. Steve Harvey reaffirmed this 90-day rule in his book and movie, Think Like a Man, admonishing women for giving away the cookie too soon. Eva Marcille took it one step further on twitter when she said that women should wait 4months before inviting their fella to view the Vicky’s.
I’ve heard time frames anywhere from 5 dates to 5 months as enough time to create the comfort zone before introducing intercourse. First of all, who came up with these arbitrary benchmarks? On one hand you have Celibate Cindy who wants a man to want her for more than her mounds of Venus. On the other, Welcoming Wendy dismisses the notion of rationing out her Nestle chocolates to her would-be suitors. It’s the opinions of others coupled with the shade from being played that has created this conundrum in the first place.
The underlying issue here is that women want both physical and mental intimacy so they establish a goal line in order to create a foundation. This gives her enough time to be ready, and it puts you dudes through the ringer. I’m not knocking it, but it’s not my style. I simply ask myself 4 questions to determine if I’ll sleep with a guy.
1) Has he been tested? Miss me with that condoms are 99.99% effective crap. As scientific as that may be, condoms are only effective if they are used every single time, with every single partner. Then you have to ask yourself if he used dental dam as well. If he gives you that puzzled expression at the mere mention of dental dam you have one of two major problems on your hands. All I’m gonna say is your health is important and irreplaceable, don’t chance it on his memory.
2) Would you have his babies? I’m infertile, which is something I’ve written about on my personal blog. But let’s just say that an ovary had a great day, it’s the peak of ovulation, the stars and moon have aligned in astronomical wonder… If all of those things and more happened, would I chance this dude being my baby daddy? How many times have you heard the story of the condom breaking and nine months later SIM-I-LAC? As a woman we have to worry about these things, because the main responsibility of the child will fall on our shoulders. With that potential burden overhead, you start to wonder if it’s even worth it.
3) Could I be happy not sleeping with him? Have you ever slept with someone and then immediately thought to yourself, I wish he would just leave. If it’s simply a lustful encounter where the lust is (temporarily) sated and the rest of him is just void, that’s a frustrating situation. It’s an impulsive move from mattress to mattress without really satisfying the basal desire to build a connection with another person. I’m all about owning your womb, which means not letting any ol’dude receive its warmth.
4) Do I have the potential to be clingy? Have you ever experienced the type of loneliness where you forget what day it is or your last name? Oh… so it’s just me. If you’ve ever experienced that feeling of solitary confinement and then looked through your phonebook at oh-dark-thirty, you had the potential to be in a lot of trouble. It got me to thinking, will I still be me if I sleep with him. Will I still be ok with being by myself or will I be desperate for his company because of the attention it provides? It’s easy to get addicted to the warmth of another body that you stay in a quasi-relationship to prevent isolation.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think honest self-reflection is far more important than any target date. But hey, what do I know. I really like this poem that Jill Scott performed on Def Poetry Jam, Nothing is for Nothing. I love the last line where she states: “…because that’s what I like, and I like being what I like, and what I like is all a part of what I am.” In the end it doesn’t matter what he thinks, what “they” think, what the world thinks. Do you, be proud of yourself, respect yourself; and in all of that form your own opinion on when you’re comfortable and what makes you happy.
Up 4 Discussion…
Men
1) Correct me if I’m wrong but if you’re interested enough, a woman can set whatever feasible deadline she pleases; though you may accept the challenge, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll stick with her after, right?
2) Do you think women should even have a countdown?
Ladies
1) Do you have a set marker?
2) Is it a power trip for you?
3) Does the deadline mean that he will respect you more for making him wait?
4) What are your milestones for knowing you’re ready?
Overshare because you know I love it *taps the mic*.
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No, I don't have a set marker so there's no reason for me to power trip. I understand the thought process behind the 90 day rule, but I don't know how effective it can be. A woman can wait 90 days just to have the guy pull a dissappearing act afterward.
In reference to the deadline making him respect you more….I have no answer except that men can be quite confusing. I once told a guy I wasn't ready for sex, and he asked if I was afraid that he would be done with me after that b/c even if we waited…there's a chance that could happen. I told him no, that it was a personal choice. Then he tells me "Good, nice to know you're not on some BS" -_-
I can't say I have any particular milestones to know when I'm ready. It's something that ONLY I know. I can't give a concrete answer as its a combination of logic and emotion.
PLUS, my dating life is non-exsistent so I can't offer up much, lol. It's been a while since a guy has been around 90 days for that theory (or any others) to be tested.
Hey Euphoric Ears! Thank you so much for reading this post and sharing your own experiences with us.
I do have a question for you…in the past have you found yourself following a 'formula' when it comes to deciding who you have sex with or have you taken a different approach?
I hope I'm not getting too much in your business…lol…I'm just curious.
Thank you again for your support. I look forward to reading your comments and thoughts on futures posts.
No, never followed a formula. I just always try and go with the flow and follow my instinct. For myself, I try to learn from past relationships/dating interactions and see what I can do differently next time around. That's my approach for the most part, lol. I only have control over my actions and choices, ya know?
You know me, always complaining about the double-standard……
But back when I was THAT girl who always had a gang of guy friends and nan a female friend, I would hear all sorts of stories on how guys had markers, lists and timelines to determine relationship potential or if the relationship would progress at all. If the majority of women enter into courtship with the intent of a relationship-and have to jump thru their man's flaming hoops to get there- WHY is it such a big deal if women have markers, lists or timelines to determine a man's sexual potential? At the end of the day, being that the majority of relations end before it reaches actual relationship status, don't women have the most to lose at the BEGINNING? I see nothing wrong with a woman doing what she has to do to protect her feelings, and if waiting is it, so be it.
At the end of the day, being that the majority of relations end before it reaches actual relationship status, don't women have the most to lose at the BEGINNING? I see nothing wrong with a woman doing what she has to do to protect her feelings, and if waiting is it, so be it
^^^^^^THIS!!!!
That's real talk Amaris! Thanks so much for putting that out there.
I have a few questions for you though…how can women protect themselves from the onset? Is that possible? If so, are timetables the best form of protection or would you suggest women use something else to guard against being used and abused?
Thank you for your support Amaris. You always deliver very insightful comments. Thank you for adding to the discussion!
I'm going to contradict myself here for a second, but hear me out. I think timelines in many cases are a copout. If you know you attach easily, or are not comfortable, you should just not do anything you aren't comfortable with. But if you are blocking a great connection simply because you think it will increase your worth somehow, it's wrong. And while I'm not a believer in "just because you're waiting doesn't mean HE is" (because, men are not feral creatures), I DO believe, to some extent, that you shouldn't "wait" for him, either.
The majority of the hurt business IMO comes whan a woman meets a guy, she has a connection with him from 1st date, then drops EVERYONE and pours her all into making it work with this dude she just met. To save her 'feelings' THEN she throws in a timeline. I think to save her feelings she should not exclusively date until a discussion is had regarding exclusivity. It is a lot easier to NOT relax your standards when you haven't bet everything on one option.
#4 Hit home for me because that's the gauge I normally use.
Basically, I'll sleep with a man when and if I feel I'll be able to keep my sanity afterwards. I know me better than anyone and I try to hold out as long as possible hoping that by the time we do sleep together, he'll be in deep enough to overlook how crazy I can get lol. I'm laughing but I'm not laughing. This may sound crazy but it absolutely has worked for ME with the last 2 men I decided to be intimate with and ultimately had relationships with.
You have to know yourself so waiting 3 months won't do for one what it will do for the other plus if a guy is planning to leave after he hits, he'll still do that whether it's been 3 months or 3 days.
#2 is a factor for me as well. I've seen too many of my friends go thru BD drama to where I won't even consider sleeping with a man who I feel is irresponsible or has any other major character flaws that I think may pass to our child or increase the risk of him acting like a fool if I get pregnant. No matter how cute he is.
I don't know if men respect you more or not if you wait b/c I see a lot of promiscuous women out here "thriving" (for lack of a better word) so who knows. I personally respect myself more if I choose to make wise decisions with who I choose to have sex with.
All in all, how soon is too soon is a very personal question and specific to YOU
I luv the honesty RSTB! I think you make a great point. The rule isn't going to be static. Each woman is different, which means different mechanisms must be employed.
I gotta know…have you become clingy in the past because you get sprung on the 'good-good'?
Making WISE decisions is WINNING! I don't care what anyone says. Keep leaning on wisdom!
Good read.
Although I cannot offer an exact timestamp on how soon is too soon (many different factors may occur in the meanwhile), I will enter the element of personal experience into the equation. The fact that I hold more respect for women who understood the importance of allowing myself to enjoy her heart and mind (even friends and family), long before removing clothes and spreading legs.
At the same time, if I feel that enough time or an entire year has passed, I educate myself of how it's no longer about enjoying her body and we might as well be "friends." If she gives up the goodies in let's say a week or so after meeting, then I've already formed the mindset of her being nothing more than a "nasty whore."
Also, since I'm the father of a teen daughter i'm not sold on the 90-Day Rule either. As a man courting a woman I believe anywhere between 3-6 months of "close involvement" speaks of adequate time.
"As a man courting a woman I believe anywhere between 3-6 months of "close involvement" speaks of adequate time."
I concur Don.
<div id="idc-comment-msg-div-401188925" class="idc-message"><a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(401188925)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fup4discussion.org%2Fhow-soon-is-too-soon-for-sex%2F#IDComment401188925&t=I%20just%20commented%20on%20How%20Soon%20is%20Too%20Soon%20%28for%20SEX%29%3F%20%7C" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(401188925)">Close Message I believe the marker that indicates you are ready for intimacy in a new relationship is when you and your partner feel comfortable with each other. The comfort that I am referring to is more than sexual. We must have an established level of respect for each other and a sense that neither will be judged for their decision, if you are intimate on the first date or months later.
When I dated I did not play games and was not on a power play. I did not set a time before intimacy, but I was very firm on my position to not have sex on the first date. Often, I would not have sex with a new partner until at least two weeks into the relationship, but that was never planned that way. I was taught that when people value themselves, they make decisions they are comfortable with regardless of what the outcome, even if the guy decides he no longer wants to see you since you do not give up the sex within days. If he gave up too quickly, it would just confirm to me that he did not want to get to know me, but just count me as a conquest only.
Enjoyed the post as usual. Continue to honestly share your viewpoints and keep striving for truth.
First, I don't date men so I hope I can still comment. Lol I am soooooo slow when it comes to being intimate. I will wait on average about a year before becoming intimate and even then I must know that I'm in a committed relationship. Why am I so slow? People can only pretend to be something they aren't for so long. After a while true colors will be seen. And usually people who are less than honest look for easy marks. And someone making them wait a year is not something they see as easy.
And so far it's worked really well for me. The women I've been intimate with have been the same after we became intimate as before.
I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole 90-day rule. Or the 3-6 months thing. In my opinion if you you're dating a man, or a woman, you have already decided before the first date whether or not you're going to sleep with that person. Let's be real. If you meet someone and decide that you want to date them you've indirectly decided that during the dating process at some point you will have sex. Whether it be after 5 dates or after 90 days.
I personally don't agree with the whole make a person wait until whenever because you already know that if you're thinking, "I'll give them this long and if they make it we'll get down with the get down" you might as well give it up now. The ultimate goal for most is to see if a person will stick around after the sex.
Maybe because I'm celibate my opinion and thought process in this particular situation is a bit off. But if you're going to make someone wait… at least have a solid reason as to why. Because just thinking it will make someone commit is stupid.
That's like saying, that you'll wear tracks in your hair for five dates and then let he/she see your real hair and hope they'll stay around. If you want someone to commit to be in a relationship with you and that's what you're looking for be upfront.
I just feel that if you have to decide upon whether or not to make someone wait to see if they'll be committed to you after the sex then you should already know that they might not be. If you have to withhold sex from someone because that might be all they want then maybe you ought to look elsewhere people.
Hmmm I don't know, I'm just a celibate woman in world full of horny people.
LOL!! Loved this.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm not celibate, but it damn sure feels like it here lately.
Great Post JustLissen, as always!!
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Hilarious @ "I'm just a celibate woman in a world full of horny people."
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