I’d like to know when sex became the bartering chip for a relationship. This idea that you can withhold sex and thus force a man to commit to you baffles me. That’s not to say that sex is not a significant decision but it’s also not a mystical dance by unicorns in a field of butterflies. I remember the first mention of a coital milestone on Girlfriends where Joan proudly stated her three month rule. Joan wouldn’t sleep with any man before they reached the three-month dating mark even if they had been dating exclusively and had established titles. Steve Harvey reaffirmed this 90-day rule in his book and movie, Think Like a Man, admonishing women for giving away the cookie too soon. Eva Marcille took it one step further on twitter when she said that women should wait 4months before inviting their fella to view the Vicky’s.
I’ve heard time frames anywhere from 5 dates to 5 months as enough time to create the comfort zone before introducing intercourse. First of all, who came up with these arbitrary benchmarks? On one hand you have Celibate Cindy who wants a man to want her for more than her mounds of Venus. On the other, Welcoming Wendy dismisses the notion of rationing out her Nestle chocolates to her would-be suitors. It’s the opinions of others coupled with the shade from being played that has created this conundrum in the first place.
The underlying issue here is that women want both physical and mental intimacy so they establish a goal line in order to create a foundation. This gives her enough time to be ready, and it puts you dudes through the ringer. I’m not knocking it, but it’s not my style. I simply ask myself 4 questions to determine if I’ll sleep with a guy.
1) Has he been tested? Miss me with that condoms are 99.99% effective crap. As scientific as that may be, condoms are only effective if they are used every single time, with every single partner. Then you have to ask yourself if he used dental dam as well. If he gives you that puzzled expression at the mere mention of dental dam you have one of two major problems on your hands. All I’m gonna say is your health is important and irreplaceable, don’t chance it on his memory.
2) Would you have his babies? I’m infertile, which is something I’ve written about on my personal blog. But let’s just say that an ovary had a great day, it’s the peak of ovulation, the stars and moon have aligned in astronomical wonder… If all of those things and more happened, would I chance this dude being my baby daddy? How many times have you heard the story of the condom breaking and nine months later SIM-I-LAC? As a woman we have to worry about these things, because the main responsibility of the child will fall on our shoulders. With that potential burden overhead, you start to wonder if it’s even worth it.
3) Could I be happy not sleeping with him? Have you ever slept with someone and then immediately thought to yourself, I wish he would just leave. If it’s simply a lustful encounter where the lust is (temporarily) sated and the rest of him is just void, that’s a frustrating situation. It’s an impulsive move from mattress to mattress without really satisfying the basal desire to build a connection with another person. I’m all about owning your womb, which means not letting any ol’dude receive its warmth.
4) Do I have the potential to be clingy? Have you ever experienced the type of loneliness where you forget what day it is or your last name? Oh… so it’s just me. If you’ve ever experienced that feeling of solitary confinement and then looked through your phonebook at oh-dark-thirty, you had the potential to be in a lot of trouble. It got me to thinking, will I still be me if I sleep with him. Will I still be ok with being by myself or will I be desperate for his company because of the attention it provides? It’s easy to get addicted to the warmth of another body that you stay in a quasi-relationship to prevent isolation.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think honest self-reflection is far more important than any target date. But hey, what do I know. I really like this poem that Jill Scott performed on Def Poetry Jam, Nothing is for Nothing. I love the last line where she states: “…because that’s what I like, and I like being what I like, and what I like is all a part of what I am.” In the end it doesn’t matter what he thinks, what “they” think, what the world thinks. Do you, be proud of yourself, respect yourself; and in all of that form your own opinion on when you’re comfortable and what makes you happy.
Up 4 Discussion…
1) Correct me if I’m wrong but if you’re interested enough, a woman can set whatever feasible deadline she pleases; though you may accept the challenge, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll stick with her after, right?
2) Do you think women should even have a countdown?
1) Do you have a set marker?
2) Is it a power trip for you?
3) Does the deadline mean that he will respect you more for making him wait?
4) What are your milestones for knowing you’re ready?
Overshare because you know I love it *taps the mic*.
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