September 5th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
After a 7 month hiatus from dating I find myself in a quandary. I’ve been committed to focusing on myself and dedicating my full focus to building my career when “he” came. This “he” has shook up my calendar and set my clock into overdrive and it’s making my rather scheduled life topsy-turvy. It’s new. It’s different. But this weekend when he dropped the “L” bomb with a declaration of “I could fall in love with you” , I wanted to have an “accident” and lose the call. After reflecting on my aversion to the “new boo’s” proclamation I had several questions: How soon is too soon? Should love have a time limit? Am I wrong to be cautious?
Often women are berated with dismal statistics about the probability of us living the single life forever. After hearing the “marriages do not last…you should focus on your career” speeches given to us by everyone in the media and some bitter family members, its no wonder that declarations of love and commitment have some of us on edge. The gender role switch is definitely a real phenomenon. I realized that the minute my ex fiance and I reached for the tissue box at the same time after watching my favorite sitcom at the time – Sex in the City – but that’s another story.
I voiced my concerns to “Mr. Romance” and he launched into a dissertation about how my reasoning was faulty and I was in danger of letting a “good thing” pass me by because I wasn’t willing to leap all in and see what happens. He then went into his “exes that did me wrong” history. I have to say some of the tales were quite gruesome and grimy. I definitely couldn’t be all “zen” if any of those things had occurred in my life. In fact, I felt fortunate that most of my mishaps in the dating arena were ironically comical. I started to question whether “Mr. Romantic” had a point. Everyone has been burned at one point or another, that shouldn’t be a deterrent to us actively pursuing love. However, I think some level of caution and selectivity is wise to avoid repeating past mistakes.
Men have a way of stalking persuading you out of your skepticism and into their arms. It’s a verbal/mental power play and wordsmiths are given edge over other men vying for your attention. However, I encourage my sisters not to be duped by the flashy words and gorgeous teeth. If your gut is telling you to pump the brakes, then DON’T override it. After much deliberation I came to the conclusion that there was no reason for us to rush – especially on the cusp of “Cuffing Season”. My lady intuition was correct, “Mr. Romance” quickly moved on to someone who would give him the title and the ‘cookies.’ Apparently, exclusive interest was a priority. He cast a wide net in hope and anticipation of a catch from any direction. While I’m sure not all men are on a “woman hunt” and there are many men who’d argue that its the women on the prowl, I’m convinced that long lasting relationships in any arena are built over time. So, what’s the rush?
Up 4 Discussion…
1) What do you think?
2) Should you jump into new relationships head first with no inhibitions?
3) Should you guard your heart or is that a set up for permanent singlehood?
Danni Kay, is a Virgo and former nerdy orthopedic shoe-wearer who loves God & Godiva with all her heart and is just un-favored in the love department. Still, she presses forward with a humorous repertoire of life stories. Catch her work on www.missaleck.com and every Monday on Essence.com on her â
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Jumping into a new relationship head first with no inhibitions would be absolutely crazy. That's like diving into the shallow end of a pool.
Guarding your heart vs. setting yourself up for permanent singlehood? hmmmm…. Now this can be tricky. Only because it all depends on how we handle our situations. We could be "bitter" towards every man/woman that comes our way and instantly go in on them with our past and how after being scarred, we're only focusing on "self", and have no time for bs or games, yadda yadda. When this begins, someone should invest in buying a couple of cats and maybe a fish because it's interesting to see them blow bubbles in the water, lol!
I don't see a guarded heart as being the problem. I think the problem lies in the person that don't have the patience to help subside the fears. No one likes to feel they set themselves up for disappointment or drifted off on all the loopy roads, only to be put out on the side and made to walk back home (because that's usually what it feels like after a serious breakup). But you do have to know when to say when. Some people are really good at heart. You can't always move through life thinking that everyone is out to get you. You can still stand guard but be able to give bits and pieces of your personal at the same time. That way you at least know that you gave yourself and your partner a chance and you didn't completely shut down from what could possibly turn out to be a beautiful thing.
I guard my heart, and at the same time I push people away. Not good I know. Not so much the guarding but the pushing people away is a big no go.
You can jump in and guard your heart at the same time… at least I believe so.
I can relate Sunny. I used to practice the same things. Now I've been trying to change that. I'm lean on God for help with it.
I can dig it!
Call me a big softie, but when I love, I love hard. I try to pull back but so far I've been unsuccessful. I think we should realize that pain is a necessary part of any relationship – at some point, someone you care about is bound to say something you don't like, or do something you don't like. If they're generally repentant for it and try to regain trust, I think it is what it is. If they don't care then I think you need to make a decision. And I also think that that pain comes when we stay where people could give a fig less about our feelings – hence our resolve to lock down.
I can totally relate. I love hard too. I also agree with you completely that pain is a part of a relationship. I just don't think it should be a lasting part. Experience it, resolve it and be better off.