August 9th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
Let’s say you’re in a relationship with someone; the two of you have dated for a few months. You consider dating as the interview process for choosing a spouse. During this process you realize that your significant other does not have what it takes to be your lifelong mate, so you end it. What do you say to sever the relationship? Do you tell the person that he or she sucks and you don’t see a way you can deal with him or her for the rest of your life? Or do you concoct a gentler version of your truth so as not to completely break the other person’s heart?
What if you’re already married and you cheat on your spouse? Do you keep that secret to yourself and find some way to deal with the guilt independently? Or do you give in to your guilt and confess your indiscretion to your mate, just to get it off your chest?
If you took a survey of 100 people most of them would probably tell you that they’d rather be told the truth than a lie. But what if that truth is so brutal that it would scar the receiver indefinitely?
Listen, I value honesty as much as the next person. But I also value compassion and tact. I’d like to think that if I needed to hear the ugly truth from a loved one, he or she would give it to me thoughtfully. I can accept brutal honesty, but I don’t like it because I believe there is always a way to express ourselves honestly and with consideration for others.
Watching someone release their garbage onto another just so they can feel better makes me feel some kind of way. The bible says, in Ephesians 4:15, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” We also know, from I Corinthians 13:4-8, that love does not behave itself unseemly nor does it dishonor others – so neither should we when speaking the truth.
Consider the other person when you speak. If your truth will do more damage than good, perhaps you need to keep it to yourself for as long as possible. If the conversation is unavoidable, make sure you handle it benevolently. I realize there will be times when what we say will cause the receiver pain, even if we are delicate in our approach. But if your intentions are good then your message will be better received.
As a kid we always sang, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” As we’ve grown into adults most of us come to realize how untrue that old cliché is. Words hurt far more than any stick or stone. Physical bruises disappear; the psychological ones stay stuck in our brains sometimes forever. So when it comes to expressing the truth or offering your opinion, think about how the other person may internalize your words before you speak them.
Up 4 Discussion..
1) Has someone ever shared a ‘truth’ with you that hurt more than the wrong they may have done against you?
2) If a truth will do more damage than good, do you think it’s best if it’s never revealed?
3) What’s the proper way to share a painful truth without hurting someone in the process?
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My name is Sylvia, I sometimes write under the pen name DStiny August, but here on this site, where we’re all friends, just call me SJ. I have been writing for as long as I can remember, you will never find me without a notebook or a pen, and I update my personal blog, www.dstinysmind.blogspot.com, regularly to keep my writing skills fresh. I believe writing is my gift from God and I feel obligated to use my gift to help others.
My goal as a writer is to entertain and educate people by embedding valuable life lessons into riveting stories. I want to inspire a shift in consciousness that will encourage people to think about why they make certain choices and how those choices affect their lives. I am an eternal optimist who believes that when people know better, they will do better; I simply want to be a catalyst for this type of progress.
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Everyone hates disappointments and no one definitely wants to hear about anything that they feel can be harmful to their emotional stability, well being, or pretty much anything that will throw your whole train of thought off track.
2) If a truth will do more damage than good, do you think it’s best if it’s never revealed?
I feel the damage was already done if it's information being withheld knowing that it should have been told, or if it was something done in secrecy and could effect the opponent. If it boggles the person's mind whether or not that should reveal a truth about something, then it should be told
3) What’s the proper way to share a painful truth without hurting someone in the process?
I don't think that there is a proper way to reveal something that could mean disaster or complications. It's all about knowing the person you are talking too and being able to give information in a way that is easy for them to receive it.
Thank you for reading Sensescommon. If this were a survey you would be part of the majority who wants to hear the truth no matter what
. If I understand your comment correctly you believe if there is a dilemma in a person's mind about revealing the truth, then he/she should just reveal it. Is this so the person revealing the secret can have a clear conscience?
I used the example of cheating on a spouse. If you committed adultery but you prayed to God and repented, and you were resolved in your heart to never do it again, would you tell your spouse? If yes, why? By repenting and vowing never to slip up again, haven't you done what you need to do to clear your conscience? Just playing devil's advocate here – I'd love to hear your response.
Yes!! SJ, I must have the truth, no matter how disgusting it may be. There is a motive behind this, but I don't think I have enough typing room LOL!!! But really quick, situations that occur such as he say/she say, I would rather be 2 steps ahead of the game and already know what everybody THINKS they know, just in case it get's around or back to me. It's harder to overcome situations that arise such as being left in the dark by people/a person you love or care for. It kind of make you feel like you serve no purpose to them if they can't offer you honesty.
But moving on, you're right, you understood the comment correct. However, I don't feel it's just about clearing the conscience. That person should give their partner the choice of whether they want to deal with the secret or not. Let's dive into your example…. so husband committed adultery. Wife suspects or maybe not, either way she can't put her hands on it. Husband feels foul about this and wants to make his marriage work and he does the repenting and asking God for forgiveness… the whole nine. But he should still give his wife the option of whether or not SHE wants to forgive him and work through his being deceitful. Him dealing with it in HIS own way is like an easy way out, which means he hasn't really felt the wrath of his disobedience. You can't have your cake and eat it too. It's like he's getting away scott free. He basically stabbed his life partner in the back (backstabber) . Could YOU be married to someone like that?
Thanks for responding Sensesocommon, I really appreciate it!
No, I would not want to be married to a person who commits adultery, but I understand that crap happens.
I am recovering from being the kind of person that wanted to know what was going to happen before it did, in order to remain two steps ahead of the game. Can I just say how exhausting that was! And, it seemed that anticipating things or trying to acquire info before the crap happened did not lessen the blow. It’s like seeing a car wreck before you get into it – when you brace yourself you tense up and end up with more injuries than if you just unexpectedly crashed, well usually…
I agree that hiding such a secret is unfair to the other person in the relationship and it would suck to be the one left in the dark once it all came out in the Light. But hell ignorance is bliss, right?
"…seeing a car wreck before you get into it – when you brace yourself you tense up and end up with more injuries than if you just unexpectedly crashed,.." <~ I get this!! and I love it!! lol!!
But I don't know SJ… I think I expect the same honesty I give to people, in return, "Straight. No chaser." AND I know that's asking for a lot. It's not so much of me wanting to know before the next person or before something happens… I feel that if I have some type of relationship, whether family, close friend or relationship; I expect them NOT to keep things away from me that could possibly effect me. Only because that's just the way it should be… because I would show the same loyalty and respect in return… etc. etc. But now I've just taught myself that news is news… there is no good news or bad news. And like you said, "ignorance is bliss"… and no news is just NO news, LOL!!
"Straight. No chaser." I like that, I really do. You may be able to handle the truth that way, but not everyone can. I just experienced this last night in a conversation with someone who was becoming my friend. I mentioned, quite respectfully, that I detect condescension in his tone with me – as if I was mentally inferior to him. I gave him 2 examples and said that it bothered me. Now if we are building a friendship shouldn't we be able to speak the truth to one another? But he could not handle my truth. He went off on a tangent and it ended with us going our separate ways. Afterwards I thought about how I could have approached the situation in a way that would have kept our budding friendship intact – but I couldn't come up with anything. I would've expected him to tell me if something I was doing bothered him…but I guess in that situation the truth hurt.
I do prefer the truth because in my book not speaking the truth is lying, not delaying it but lying. I am rather straightforward so I don't expect to be treated any different. Yeah what you say may hurt but I think you can have tact and be honest at the same time. I'm in now way saying it is easy or that anyone MUST always tell the truth no matter what but I can say that I like to be as open as possible.
My recent post There’s Nothing Factual In An Opinion Unless There’s Proof Carl
Thanks for reading Petersburgh. My grandma always says there is nothing worse than a liar; that was impressed upon me at a young age, so I understand your stance on being straightforward no matter what. I agree that honesty is the best policy, in most cases…
The truth is like medicine, we need it to get better but sometimes it can taste awful going down.
My recent post Things I Absolutely Love 7/27/12