I was honored by Up4 who asked me to do an article as it pertains to uplifting women and building their self esteem. So, my thanks to Up4 first and foremost for inviting me to contribute to this topic.

At first I was going to tear women up for the things I’ve seen them do and let them have it. I’m hoping to approach this topic in a way that affects the reader in a more positive way. Everything that follows will be from a place of genuine integrity and heart. Honestly I cannot fathom how vicious women are to one another at any given moment. Frankly, I’ve grown tired of seeing it so wide spread.

I’m 45 years old, I have a 14 year old daughter who comes home and tells me stories from school, girlfriends and acquaintances who act and say certain things about other women that are derogatory.  I assure you, as I sit here typing, nothing has changed as to how women treat one another in thirty years. I’m not suggesting that all women are vicious towards one another all the time.  I am saying that I’ve seen enough of it, to have come to the realization that women disrespect themselves by these behaviors.  I’m not writing this to win friends. I’m sure I will not win friends with this article.  I want women to stop beating each other up. Verbally, mentally and emotionally.

Putting someone else down so you can feel better about yourself is the ultimate level of self disrespect. If you think about it, in the end you don’t feel better about yourself.  If you do, it’s superficial ego ridden nonsense that you’ve learned from someone around you at some point and time. If anything you poison yourself against healthier relationships with other women because you assume they all think like you.  I’ve seen women over the years who compare themselves to an ex-girlfriend/wife and they ask the following question, “What’s she look like?” The women gleefully crowd around some computer or old photographs to put down the ex and say how ugly she is, how she dresses is horrid, her makeup is like a clown, how they think their body is, the list is a bottomless pit of bile.  Not once, in all the years I’ve been seeing women doing this, have I heard something that I would perceive to be normal thinking. Which is, they didn’t work out, that’s a shame, let’s move on.

Why the need to go and compare yourself to another woman is in the forefront of women’s minds is beyond me.  They broke up for a reason and to me it’s irrelevant as to what she looks like because true beauty comes from “inside” not the outside. Yet, women make judgment calls out of petty jealousy and insecurity within themselves as to the woman who had “her man” last. Now, tell me, how does that work for you? Does it make you any better of a person? Does it make you more attractive in some way?  I’m simply not sure how any of these things are relevant. Can you tell me? Don’t just blurt out something you’ve been spoon fed through your environments and how other women process these things.  What I want you to think about, is why women feel the need to put someone else down, in order to appease your personal insecurities.  To me, that’s what this boils down to in girl world. YOUR insecurities and a pure lack of self respect.

Mind you, I am not talking about those vicious women whose only focus is making your life hell because they have a child with this man. This type of woman is going to make him miserable and try to sabotage his relationships by manipulating him with their child, among other things. This would be fodder for an entirely different post. If we were going to touch on that, how is that working for you? Holding onto all that anger and hurt from a relationship with your significant other whom you had a child with and you disrespect yourself by acting insecure, bitchy, confrontational and viciously towards the new woman in his life? It makes you look small and insecure, threatened even by someone else.  Think about that for a while, how are these behaviors helping you to be happy as a person? As a mother, you have the right to know who is around your child, I understand this. However to use the child in the sense where you manipulate your ex and his life? Truly unacceptable behavior. YOU are still making YOURSELF miserable … why? Why not move on and be happy versus letting all that anger and resentment poison your life?

Over the years I’ve seen women do some treacherous things to one another. I’ve always wondered if they never stopped and thought about how severely they are disrespecting themselves.  I don’t look at another woman as a threat.  I enjoy the banter, laughing, sharing and companionship a good group of women can bring into my life.  I hear other women ripping one another apart for very superficial things all the time. Their clothes, hair, shoes, handbags, style, walk, body type, how she talks, how she acts, what she does, she thinks her shit don’t stink and even her sexual prowess or lack thereof, I’ve heard it all. Which brings me to this list I thought up as to the worse character traits of women that I’ve seen to date.

Eight Deadly Sins of Women:

Catty, Bitchy, Manipulative, Phony, Insecure, Conceit, Jealousy, Backstabbing

I vent all the time about the bad behavior I’ve seen exhibited by other women.  Part of me, wants to go down the Eight Deadly Sins of Women road, I assure you she wouldn’t see it coming and I’d smile when she cracked. Mission accomplished right? After all, she started it… literally.  The other part of me realizes that it makes me less of a person to sink to those levels and I’d like to think I have more self respect and integrity than that. Venting is one thing a counter attack is quite another thing.  It makes me feel cold and evil inside and I don’t like to feel that way.  If I can’t get through to them, it’s very simple, they gotta go. I have no room for that nonsense in my life.

Here’s how this works, ready? Every time you make disparaging comments about other women instead of lifting her up, due to some insecurity you have within yourself, you disrespect yourself.  You chip away at your own self esteem in the sense where you’ve developed some “false” superiority over this other person and the reality is that you’re thinking too small. You minimize your own self worth “every time” you put another woman down to sooth yourself because something about HER intimidates YOU or makes YOU uncomfortable.

All you’re saying, is that YOU think she’s got something that YOU don’t have. Is this true?  How on earth does it make one woman feel better or empowered when she’s ripping apart another? It is completely backwards thinking to me.

What if, you work on yourself and your sense of self worth to the extent that you could look at other women with empathy and understand that they’re just like you. They have their insecurities, their flaws, their fears and for YOU to prey on them in any malicious fashion, makes YOU less of a person.  It poisons you, it makes you weak and transparent. It cracks the relationships you have in your life because the people around you? They see this in you and how long would it be before you turn it on your friends and family and not some stranger who intimidates you in some way?

What? You would never do that? Well, I’m here to tell you I’ve seen it done and had it done to me. If a person has these behaviors and they are of this mindset, it’s only (to me) going to be a matter of time before it’s turned on someone close. In greater or lesser degrees.

I treat other women with respect.  This is including, but not limited to, giving them holy hell when they do something lacking in integrity and disrespecting themselves due to being insecure enough to put down someone else just to make themselves feel better.  I remember an instance where a woman was talking to her friends at work about a guy she was dating and his ex girlfriend. They proceeded to go online to look at a picture of this woman and they (except me) began ripping this girl apart.  I was thoroughly disgusted with all of them. I asked them, “How does that make you feel better about yourself? She’s an attractive girl and for you to compare yourself to her and then tear her down to make YOU feel better is utterly ridiculous.”  I walked away, I went back to my desk and removed myself from that hen house.

I can see the beauty in every single woman I meet. Even the mean girls … they’re highly insecure, but I can see it. There are those brief moments where they’re “true self” shines through and this is what makes her beautiful.  When that disappears, her appearance, to me, becomes distorted and she’s ugly. No matter how superficially beautiful she may “appear” … she’s not as attractive anymore.  Not to me anyway. I like the woman who is comfortable with herself because it enhances all of her relationships in her life.

I would like to see a level of integrity and genuine support between women. I assure you, that woman over there ain’t got nothing on YOU if you like who you are… work on YOU… focus on YOU and who you are and when you feel intimidated (you know you do from time to time, don’t lie to me) figure out why YOU feel this way and work on that.  Be YOU… work on YOU.  Then, spread that love around to other women and teach them how to love themselves more too.

Lemme make this clear to the women who may be reading this. If you’re pissed at me? You may have some work to do on yourself because I’ve struck a nerve and I implore you to do the work. Not for me, I don’t need you to change for me, you change for YOURSELF.  Prove me wrong… take yourself to a new level of sincerity, integrity and being a genuinely good person who takes pride in herself, in who she is, in what she brings to the table and how she treats others.  Stop projecting your insecurities onto someone else. Focus on YOU.

Learn to respect yourself, so you can respect others.

This post was written by Mystery Coach