June 19th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
The Position – The Nigger Marriage
We breed two nigger males with two nigger females. Then we take the nigger males away from them and keep them moving and working. Say one nigger female bears a nigger female and the other bears a nigger male. Both nigger females being without influence of the nigger male image, frozen with an independent psychology, will raise their offspring into reverse positions. The one with the female offspring will teach her to be like herself, independent and negotiable (we negotiate with her, through her, by her, we negotiate her at will). The one with the nigger male offspring, she being frozen with a subconscious fear for his life, will raise him to be mentally dependent and weak, but physically strong, in other words, body over mind. Now in a few years when these two offspring’s become fertile for early reproduction we will mate and breed them and continue the cycle. That is good, sound, and long range comprehensive planning.
The Plight – Papa was a rolling stone
African-American males are most often criticized as being deadbeat dads and absentee fathers. There is no excuse for this behavior but there is a cause to examine where it originated. Once again, we need not look any further than the mental manipulation of slavery to find when it became socially acceptable for men to produce children while having virtually no sense of accountability to that child or to the female parent.
I think back to the days of the male slaves being allowed to procreate with a woman and then having to leave her and live on a different plantation. I imagine how they must have longed to be together and feel certain that he wanted to play a role in the life of his child but was not able to do so. Instead, he found himself in a new surrounding, with a new woman and the ability to procreate once more before being moved to a different area. I wonder how many times this could have happened in the life of the male slave. How many families did he potentially have and be forced to leave behind? How many young children saw their fathers stripped away from their family dynamic while countless more did not know anything of their father except the stories possibly told by a mother through the lens of heartbreak and disappointment.
In Part 4 of this series, we discussed the development of the Independent Black Woman who believes that she does not need a man because she has proven for generations that she is able to care for her child, with or without the help of a man. Although these women are doing a good job, we should examine the cost of this condition within our culture. As a single mother of an African-American male, I did not immediately realize the cost of my decision. I thought that my son would be fine as long as he had a mother who was caring and willing to provide for his needs. However, there are still days that no matter what I do for my son or do with him; he still longs for that father figure. As the daughter of a single parent, I grew up much like my African-American counterparts seeing my mother do it all and began thinking that I could do it all, with or without a man. This attitude manifests negatively in relationships when I begin treating a man like an accessory in my life and not a necessity. What impact is single parenting having on other children in our culture?
We see young men fathering offspring before they graduate from high school. Many of them have half a dozen children by various women before they reach the age of thirty and rarely is an eyebrow raised. These young men like the generations before them are spreading their seeds and in their eyes creating a legacy; however, the richness of the legacy is diminished when they are not able to properly invest time and resources into their gardens. The mothers of the offspring are often left to care for the children with occasional assistance from the father and other relatives but can this occasional assistance replace the benefits of two full time parents?
A woman no matter how hard she tries cannot be a father to her children. This leaves many young women with “daddy issues” seeking a man to fill the void left by her absentee father while many young men grow up without a sense of what it means to be a man and often taking on female characteristics in their relationships and/or being comfortable with a woman taking care of him. Without strong relationship role models, how likely is it for these young people to develop healthy relationship habits that will lead to a productive marriage?
The Possibility – Is Marriage for White People?
The slave owners practiced the economics of marriage within their own family while destroying it within their slave community. It was rarely considered prudent for the white male or female to remain single past their twenties because it was socially unacceptable to have children out of wedlock at that time. So why, we ask, were the opposite tactics encouraged within the African community?
The economics of marriage within a community is not limited to the increase in financial resources for that group but also includes the promotion of a culture’s value system. Imagine the difference in conditioning between children raised by single parents and those within a healthy two parent household. Many people want to discount the effects that these different dynamics have in the life of a child but I challenge you to look at the situation objectively and consider why many young adults now view marriage as optional. Could it be because many of them lack successful relationship role models that show the benefits of two people loving one another and working toward a common cause?
According to Ralph Richard Banks, author of “Is Marriage for White People? How the African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone”; black women are not only the most unmarried group in American society (seven out of ten are single) but also the one that least intermarries with other races. He further states that the crisis in the black relationship market begins with a man shortage due to about one in ten black men in their early thirties being in prison while two black women graduate from college for every black man. Banks also contents that a problem in the community is the attitude of those few black men who are considered good catches because they often stay unmarried because they have too many options.
Looking at the dueling dynamics presented by Banks, we have to ask ourselves, what is the future of marriage within the African-American culture?
How does a culture continue to prosper if marriage is no longer a cornerstone of the value system?
Based upon my observations of African-American relationships, there is a real fear among many African-American women that they will not get married. Although many of us grew up with the fairy tale of finding our Prince Charming, the reality has proven to be quite different. The shortage of eligible men who are seeking committed and monogamous relationships makes it difficult to plan a future around the concept of marriage Much like Banks suggested, most of the eligible African-American males that I know realize that they are a good catch and prefer to play the field while “searching” for the perfect woman. In the meantime, children are born outside of stable relationships, promises are made and broken causing an increase in distrust and the parental model is evolving.
Up 4 Discussion…
1) Is marriage for white people?
2) How do you see the parental model evolving from the traditional version of a mother and father living together raising their children in one house?
3) Do you see a connection between the methods of containment used during slavery to deter relationships and the current state of African –American relationships?
LaKesha Womack is an Author, Blogger, Business Consultant, Inspirational Speaker and Radio Show Host. She writes and speaks about a variety of lifestyle, relationship and business topics.
My goal is to help you develop personally, professionally and spiritually because…
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1) Is marriage for white people?
I wouldn't say that marriage is for white people, but after reading this, it does make sense why we see more of them getting married
2) How do you see the parental model evolving from the traditional version of a mother and father living together raising their children in one house?
When you say evolving, I don't see much evolution. At least, not in a good way. I see deterioration and a lot of babydaddy/momma shacking up. And honestly, that's still not even a good starting point. Still, no one is looking at the bigger picture or the process of molding.
3) Do you see a connection between the methods of containment used during slavery to deter relationships and the current state of African –American relationships?
ABSOLUTELY!!! and I'm saddened by it.
My recent post Reflection Time: When Grind Mode Sets In Update
You make a good point about our parental models not necessarily evolving. It seems like we moving closer to a single parent culture and although it may be convenient, I wonder about the long term effects of a generation of children who grow up not seeing successful relationships. Will they be able to sustain something in their future that they don't know anything about?
My recent post It takes a man to be a father…
"Single parent culture"… Yes! I got the visual first hand.
I was talking to my mother about this very situation just the other night. My grandparents were married, but let's just say "Papa was a rolling stone" for real, lol. She said he was more like a visitor in his own home. I tried to tell her that I believe that was the reason none of his daughters (including her) ever got married.
Now as for my generation line (cousins, sisters and I), it seems as if everyone is trying to have everything that we weren't accustomed to, growing up. However, the dissatisfaction in that is no one is married… yet. That goes back to my reference of the babydaddy/momma shack up. And it's not that no one doesn't want to get married, we've all had the same luck in finding people who have different values (the evolution).
My recent post Up 4 Discussion Presents…
Without a good example, I don't believe our children will be able to sustain that success. I do believe they will know what they want (as we all do). But how to conquer the quest will be a totally different ballgame.
My recent post Up 4 Discussion Presents…
That is an excellent point. Seeing isn't achieving. Take for example how we see rich people on TV all the time, but the majority of us have no idea how to even begin acquiring that kind of wealth. I believe the same can be applied to marriage and lasting, happy and healthy relationships. We want them, but we may not know how to achieve or acquire them. That's the difficult part.
Yes J, out of sight, out of mind.
My recent post Up 4 Discussion Presents…
That is a great point, J… Most of us want to be successful – financially, in relationships, etc – but the holy grail is figuring out the path to success. I see so many people following others through social media based on their success because we want to know "how" they did it. We believe that if we watch them and do some of the things that they are doing then that success may rub off on us. I think it would be interesting to know whether it works…
My recent post The power of your words…
1) I've never bought into the thinking that marriage was for a particular race or anything of the sort. We're all human and experience the same feelings involving love, sex and intimacy…so it wouldn't appear logical to believe marriage represents a certain skin color.
2) Again, I believe every man and woman would love to be a family, no matter what the statistics are, but for whatever reason not all experience as much…regardless, moms should continue to do everything they can and set an example for their children.
3) Definitely.
Thanks for commenting…
I wonder less about the skin color of those getting married than the culture of those who are getting married. Does our culture promote marriage or are we falling into a trap believing that marriage is optional when it should be one of the premier values within our culture?
My recent post Are you afraid of being labeled a “gold digger”?
1) Is marriage for white people? I don't think it's just for white people, if for everyne. Just seems to not be desired as much in the black community or it is and people settle for playing the field. IDk
2) How do you see the parental model evolving from the traditional version of a mother and father living together raising their children in one house? I'm with Don on this one…
3) Do you see a connection between the methods of containment used during slavery to deter relationships and the current state of African –American relationships? Yes, I do…
My recent post What’s Your Flavor?
1) No way! Marriage is for ALL people.
2) It's definitely evolved. Children are being raised in a myriad of different ways. I still believe that a two parent home is the best way to go. There are things that a child needs to learn from BOTH parents. Sure they can learn those lessons elsewhere, but the ideal place to learn them is in their home.
3) Yes, there are definitely connections. It's sad, but it's true. African-Americans have been led astray in their thinking and living for so long. The shackles are still there. Don touched on that not to long ago. It's the mental shackles that our people must rid themselves of. The only way to progress is to learn from the mistakes and errors of the past…not by repeating them.
Another great part in the series LaKesha. Amazing job!
Thanks J… I am glad that this series is opening people's eyes to not only where we are but how we got here…
My recent post It takes a man to be a father…
One of the issues today when it comes to marriage is parents, friends and family instilling in young girls to dream & desire a fairytale wedding. The wedding is just a one day event, the marriage is a “REALITY”. We need to teach our young women & men that marriage is worth having, but knowing the responsibilities that come along with it. If we continue to fantasize about the wedding the marriage will not end with a happily ever after.
Let’s start to instill strong values in our relationships and not continue to break one another down. Support and build-up, this is an issue in the African American community. Love does exist. However, you can not go into a relationship thinking of SELF only, its no longer about you. Pre-Martial counseling is a must prior to the I Do’s. You will learn so much not only about yourself, but your mate as well. In order to do the work you need the tools. Know in thyself that you deserve greatness, because that’s what God’s desires us to have He doesn’t want us to struggle in life or in our relationships. STOP blaming what has taking place in the past (slavery) and make a difference for your future. You are not a product of your environment unless you desire to have your own pity party.
(1) Marriage is for all who desire to be part of a union.
(2) Just because there are two parents who start in a family household, doesn’t mean it will exist that way forever. I know many families who have a strong bond with their children even though one parent no longer resides in the household. There are many resources for single moms to provide their sons should they not have a male figure around to instill values, direction and the man bond, that a woman can’t provide.
(3) As I mentioned we need to stop blaming what has taking place in past. This doesn’t mean we forget where we’ve come from, but make changes to better our future in the process. In order to move forward sometimes you must leave the excess baggage behind. We as African Americans need to make better choices for our lives. You are in control of your destiny, you teach people how to treat you. Start with teaching you self LOVE first and everything else will eventually fall into place. You can’t give love if you don’t know love.
Thanks for sharing LaKesha. You know I speak from the heart and sixteen years of experience in creating the I Do’s. If one is looking for the fluff and bling of the wedding. Then its time to re-evaluate the true meaning of marriage vows. Read the vows and Profess it in its entirety before the I Do’s.
Kimberly, thank you for pointing out a fatal flaw in our relationships… Focusing so much more on the dream of a wedding than the reality of a marriage.
My recent post The power of your words…