July 26th, 2012 
Up4Dsn 
As women we often undermine or overlook the importance of having a father around. Not just “around-the-way” around, but an active, checked-in, available father. Men, in all there might, forget the glory found in fatherhood, especially to their little girl. Thus women of the tribe suffer from a lack-of, absence and/or void when it comes to their first love, their father.
For all intents and purposes, the father is the example (or fantasy) for what a woman will chase. His love establishes the baseline of normal accepted behaviors in her romantic relationships. Little girls love their fathers forever, for always, even when they hate them. When it comes to their lovers many women stay chasing a love they’ve yearned to feel from their father. It sounds Oedipal twisted, yet a parent’s love is that ever-fixed mark, unchanging.
Therefore, there is an undeniable pain from knowing your father doesn’t love you back; the knowledge that despite a genetic bind, the originator is detached from his creation. At its root, a woman wonders how anyone will ever love her, if the man who is supposed to love her does not.
In an effort to find an immutable love, I dated a few men who helped me grow up. Below are some of the implications of dating men who are like my father:
Love is a Battlefield: My father abused my mother, so naturally my first serious relationship was with an abusive man. Society always wonders why women stay in abusive relationships. At the heart of the argument is the thought that every woman deserves better. But if she does not know better, it is easier to stay. Watching my mother repeatedly beat on by a man normalized the idea of violent love. In turn I became leery of “nice men”, a suspicion rooted in the idea that perhaps he is hiding something. But if he hits/demeans/abuses me, then I know his true colors from the beginning: there is no lower rung on the ladder. Hence a familiarity and a sense of safety in knowing that it can’t get any worse.
Love is a Revolving Door:In transition from an abusive relationship, I became a revolutionary independent woman: one who doesn’t need a man for anything. My father was the king of making promises he couldn’t keep. He built up your hopes, spoke volumes on his reformation, and then popped all of your bubbles when he never followed through. But he always came back to a sunny welcome. I picked a guy with those same traits, translating years of disappointment into low expectations for him and tolerance when he bailed out because things got too “complicated”. My response was always a warm reception when he sorted things out. I learned this pattern of love from my father, so I was accustomed to its appearance in my relationship.
Love is a Mixed Bag: With the next man I transposed the need of a father’s devotion and acceptance to his interactions with me. He didn’t understand my constant need to be validated. He called it insecurity. In actuality the label masked the marrow: if a father who’s seen every part of you can leave, what will a lover do when all the walls are down? A muted vulnerability forced me to push him away and in the last second before the door would close hang on tightly, overwhelming him with need. I abhorred any display of public affection or affiliation but complained that I never knew his true intentions. It takes two to play on the teeter-totter. I was so used to the playground of my father’s manipulations that I mastered the ministrations on unsuspecting partners. You can’t play the victim, if you cast yourself as the antagonist.
In reflection of romantic dealings gone awry, you always wonder what went wrong. As an adult you still bear the imprint of the princess who finds her prince. Of course there will be obstacles: a goblin, a gremlin, a goon out to foil your pursuit of true love. But the real boogeyman lingers on the inside. As a woman (fictional or not) were expected to be issue-less. Whatever impactful experiences interfering with our ability to love are to be internalized and then suppressed.
Life isn’t always fair or full of closure- building conversations. I will probably never have a chance to tell my biological father how much his actions have impacted my intimacy with men. But it is there time and again, playing itself out in different forms of love.
And despite how I hear over and over again that a man’s love is never confusing, how does a woman of the fatherless tribe know a man really loves her? Her father’s love is confusing, thus all men love confusingly. Can you then chide a woman for loving men who represent the only true love she’s ever known? Ehh, what do I know, I write life.
Up 4 Discussion…
Readers: It’s all about self-reflection this week. Quirks aside, we rarely talk about the real issues right? So tell me, Daddy-Issues, real or self-imagined? Men, have you ever dated a woman with Daddy-Issues? *two-mic taps this week, because I feel like it*
***PS: I’d like to take credit for the title of the post, but somewhere in twitterverse or blogosphere I read “women of the fatherless tribe” as a way to categorize women.
If you enjoyed reading this piece, please make sure you SUBSCRIBE to Up4Discussion.org in order to stay up to date on the latest and greatest content. All you have to do is enter your e-mail address in the box along the right column and press SUBSCRIBE.
Thank you so much for your continued support Family!
F. Scott Fitzgerald quipped ‘You dont write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.’
Whether on this site or on her personal blog ‘The Soundtrack of My Life’, there are never enough words to capture her essence. Her aim is to exhaust all of the words in the English language, and then invent new ones because writing is her passion. Sometimes funny, sometimes reflective, always honest; it’s a fresh take on common issues.
| Get FREE Up4Dsn Email Updates! |
Follow us! 
|
Posted in 
Tags: 
Somewhere along my angry life I had to make a HARD decision. I decided to understand my parents were human, and no matter how f**d up the outcome, that they were making the best decision they thought they could at the time. I chose to believe my father's decisions regarding myself had absolutely nothing to do with me, and that I was a person capable of loving and deserving of being loved. Do I sometimes fall back? of course. But I understand I am just as human as they were, and that's ok. But I'll be dammned if I don't make a committment to chase the best things in my life instead of relentlessly trying to recreate the worst..
I hear that. I'm curious, at what point in your life did you come to that realization and decide to view life and your parents through that lens?
I was 23. It's obviously a long story, but the gist of it is after years of being an angry child I got the opportunity to live on my own and, of course, make some mistakes of my own that I wanted people not only to forgive, but to understand. I realized that everyone effs up, but not everyone is afforded the luxury of having their eff ups only affect them alone. Usually aftershocks reverberate thru your network or family, and you have to deal with how your decisions affect them.
But the biggest "aha" moment was realizing, as most of us with "questionable" fathers do, that my father had another family-which meant no matter how he felt about me, that man got on with his life. My mother had my sister, continued her career, and was active in the church. The only person stuck at the same emotional place in their lives surrounded by a quicksand of anger and hate was ME. Everyone else made their peace with their decisions a long time ago. It was then that I decided to make my peace as well. Forgiveness is not about saying, "what you did to me is ok", it is about saying "I am no longer going to let what you did affect me". I'm not saying I'm perfect, but because I have this realization I am able to catch myself when I slip back.
That's amazing! I truly appreciate your sharing your experience Amaris. I'm glad that you reached a point where you could find peace. That is vital.
I completely agree that one day you'll have to wake up and realize this person is human and can't love you the way you want them to. It was definitely a process but I'm there… i did however make a good many mistakes in love trying to get there.
Thanks for reading, and sharing, and commenting. Much obliged!
My recent post Daughters
Everything in this article is the truth! You wrote in Love is a battlefield: “But if he hit/demeans/abuses me, then I know his true colors from the beginning… Hence a familiarity and a sense of safety in knowing that it can’t get any worse.” I watched my mother go through this with my father and her subsequent boyfriends. I didn’t understand why she would end up with the same type of dude. When she tried to explain it to me, this is what she was saying. I didn’t understand that until reading it the way you wrote it.
In response to what’s up for discussion: daddy issues are definitely real, but they don’t have to be permanent. If the woman is introspective enough to identify her daddy issues and do the work to fix them, she can move on to experience the true version love. Very well-written post; it made me think and I enjoyed reading it!
My recent post Twitter Addict
I'm with you S J. For a long time I haven't been able to understand why and how some women stay in abusive relationships. I can honestly say that this post allowed me to view things from a different perspective, as well as provided some clarity.
I'm curious, how do you think a woman can begin to work out those daddy issues?
I never understood why my mom stayed for 10 years and then her next serious boyfriend was abusive. She even chose him over me. But then I got in my first serious relationship. Good at first, perfect if that's even a possibility. He turned, and I was ready. It's like I was pushing him because I knew he had a dark side and I didn't want to be surprised by it's unveiling. And I stayed. For a year. Now having that experience, I'll never go back to something like that, but I also understand my mom.
My recent post Thinkin Bout You
This is a great post! Daddy issues are very real, their are so many women that fail to realize the relationship between a daughter and father plays a huge part years and years down the road when dating. I know it did with me and it took me awhile to make the connection.
Even Thou my mother and father have and still are married going on 44+ years. For the most important years of my life and my siblings my dad was strictly a "provider" their was no emotional attachments to him unless he was angry and drunk. My mother was their with the love and hugs but was basically a floor mat for my dad. It was tough
I found myself in so many dead end relationships and pointing the finger and never truly understanding why men never stayed with me. It all ties in with my issues with my father I learned not to long ago but it's better late then never.
Thanks for sharing this topic
My recent post Another child on board…I’m not to Happy
Hey Suga Hill! Thank you so much for visiting Up4Discussion.org. I am so glad you decided to read this post and share your thoughts with a comment. That truly means a lot!
I do have a question for you…when did you have your 'AH HA' or 'snap out' moment and realize how your relationship with your father was effecting your dating/intimate relationships and encounters with love?
<div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-409558839"><a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(409558839)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fup4discussion.org%2Fwomen-of-the-fatherless-tribe-love-differently%2F%23IDComment409525177#IDComment409558839&t=I%20just%20commented%20on%20Women%20of%20the%20Fatherless%20Tribe%20Love%20Differently*%20%7C" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(409558839)">Close Message That is a moment that I will always remember, I was dating my daughters Dad, this was years before we had our daughter. I wanted him solely for money and sex whenever I wanted, to be blunt. I worked hard to remain emotionally detached to him. In my eyes it was ok and I loved myself enough that I really didn't care if he did or not. I really believed that I loved myself. I watched this go on with my mother and father for years so that was ok to me. One day he told me that he loved me and wanted a serious relationship and wanted me to stop blocking him out. This turned in to a long discussion of why I was so cold at times and why I never showed affection, why wasn't falling in love an option. I went in-dept about my Mom and Dad growing up and it hurt me to even talk about it, I cried like a baby. He looked me in my eyes and told me that when a man truly loves a woman he will always make sure she knows and feels that love, no matter what. When I let my guard down at that moment I never knew that a real man's love would make me feel that way. I loned for that love from my Dad, as a child. I was changed at that point. Even thou we are not together anymore *cough cough punk** lol I know that I deserve to let myself love someone and to be loved back. I also got the courage to tell my Dad how he made me feel growing up that helped to but acknowledging the issue and why set me free.
My recent post <a href="http://thesugahill.wordpress.com/2012/07/25/another-child-on-board-im-not-to-happy/" target="_blank">Another child on board…I’m not to Happy
That emotional detachment is soooo real. I have guys tell me all the time, you act like you dont care about me! I do care, and I do try to show it, but I'm not a typical "loving" girl. I have to work my way up to affection and playfulness. Similar to the story with your daughter's father, I think this is why my last relationship is so hard to get over (I wrote about it in Thinkin Bout You on my personal site). He got in the way no one else has before, and I dont know how to let that go. *sigh* life is weird right?
Thanks for being so honest and commenting!
My recent post Thinkin Bout You
HAHA, I had an ex leave me to be with a dude that beat the breaks off of her ass. I was the guy with the flowers and roses, and she traded me in for a dude with punches and bruises.
My recent post Our Music is Killing us!
I can't speak to that specific relationship without knowing her, but I will say from my own experience that it's easier to choose a guy who shows you his true colors up front than to wait anxiously for him to turn on you.
My theory alone, but this is why nice guys finish last: because women who believe all men are harmful dont want to get caught up in the romance.
I'm sorry to hear about that girl. Thanks for commenting!
My recent post Thinkin Bout You
"Daddy Issues" are very real and I've seen the effects of it not only in my own life, but in the lives of women in my family and those I've encounted over the years. While they manifest themselves in a myriad of ways; typically unbeknownst to ourselves, they're real and at the root of our behaviour in so many ways.
My recent post Movie quote…
True… I can only share what I know. I think it's unfair to share how the effects have manifested in the lives of women around me, only because each person should tell their story (unless of course they give me the rights to their biography
)
Thanks for sharing!
My recent post Thinkin Bout You
I grew up thinking my stepfather was my father for the first 5 years of my life and when I met my biological father, to say I was stunned and confused is an understatement. While the onus lies with my mother, I was always left wondering why my stepfather took on the weight of the lie. He was/is a kind, laid back, but emotionally unavailable man. My biological father was a complicated and emotionally unavailable man and a philanderer leaving me to always wonder what woman I'd see him with next. That foundation led me to find men who was like them both; especially when my mother taught me nothing different. It took years to figure out how my fathers affected my view on life and relationships and I can say, now that I know better; I do better.
My recent post Movie quote…
True… knowing better does encourage you to do better. Thanks for being so honest!
My recent post Thinkin Bout You